Here I am Alive.

Here I Stand. Relaying my words to you, reading out my story to you. Here I stand. Writing down all the words that I have ever known and all the stories that these two eyes have seen and all of the hearts that these two hands have held and all of the tears that have been shed from these eyes into these hands and have brushed against crumbled skirts and loose sleeves and have been shed for once and for all; never again.

Here I lay, beneath the open sky and on a patch of grass that isn’t the greenest. Here I lay and here I lay to tell you that the worse is yet to come and the best is always looming behind it. Here I lay to tell you that no matter what colour the grass is, as long you’re laying on it and you’re laying long enough to tell your story, You are enough. That is all that matters.

Here I sprint. Sprint away from all that has ever haunted me and all that will forever take away from me and all that has little bits and pieces of me and all that owns me. Here, I run away from them onto a place which accepts my broken and incomplete self because all that is broken does not need mending but healing. And all that is shattered will rise from the deepest browns of the earth and will fall upon you from the highest realms of these skies.

Here I fly, fly into the starry sky which has never once failed to awe me. These starry skies are my kryptonite and I shall never ask of you to come with me but if you may, my hand is held open and my heart’s doors always creak open for you.

Here I stop. Stop right in front of you and stop only for a brief moment. I ask you, “Are you here? Are you alive? Do you feel your heart racing and your body tingling and your ears thrumming with the beats of a new tomorrow? Does your mind say yes to your body? Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to go up up and away?”

Here I wait, Not for long, but I shall patiently and keenly wait for the greatest question of them all, “Here I am before you, Am I enough?”

Advertisements

Stand in Today

“It makes sense you know, the way you are and the way you look at things; they way they should be versus the way that they are. This actually isn’t that hard to comprehend once I understand where you’re coming from. You’re a whole lot of.. actually the sum of all of your memories. A collection of all the years and the memories and the moments and the places and things and feelings all at once; a manifestation of all of the years of your life in one. You are are this one tiny little human being holding onto the weight of a thousand Yesterday’s that you wish you’d have never had and you are the constant surge of hope and possibility for a tomorrow that you do not know of. But do you realize what’s wrong?

Darling, you are not in Today. You are here standing in front of me but you are not standing in front of me. In your mind’s eye, you are in that resort that you visited three years ago with your little sisters and you are also on that field with the wild ducks chasing after you and you yelping and screaming out of fear and humour. You need to be here, my love. I know that the possibility of a tomorrow is the best one that we have been given and I understand that some Yesterday’s outlive us our whole lives but what you need to realize is that none of them have the power that you hold right now. You right here hold the most supreme power of them all; you possess Change. You possess the ever lasting ability to stand your ground and sway with the wind and dance to the tunes that only you hear and sing to a bee song. You right here are Right Here. Say those words out loud and let them sink in so far deep within, that you can’t forget hem even if you tried.

And if someday’s your Today becomes hard to live through then know that the comfort and solace of my arms will forever await your embrace and they will hold you close until sundown and sunrise again; where we shall start a new possibility together; maybe.

Broken Things

“You don’t understand. Please, step back. I’m actually a gigantic, walking “Warning! Hazard Ahead” Sign and you should be able to read this. I thought that you were smart enough. ”

He laughed, not like it was funny but at the absurdity of this whole situation. Two months ago, he didn’t even know who he was and now he was standing still but somehow still tumbling on his thoughts. Constantly thinking about this girl who had somehow gone on to define him.. who had cleared his fuzzy view and made him see him for himself after the longest time and this was all he had ever wanted. It came a bit early in his life but he didn’t mind it, not one bit. And now, here he was, offering everything he had and everything he would ever go on to achieve to this Beautiful Girl and she wouldn’t budge. She wouldn’t take him and end his misery.  He was getting so tired of these excuses and these lies and the little ways in which she pushed him so far away; almost as if she liked it when he was far away. But he knew better.. he wanted to be right now more than ever.

He said, “What don’t I get? That you’re fucked up? Well aren’t we all. Its always someone, the brother, the dad, the mother. There is always someone who breaks us a little on the inside and as we grow up, the breaking gets harder to fix and the cracks run deeper than the surface and there’s only so much glue and tape and pins that can hold messes together. And we grow up and older and we try to push these things away in a little corner that we often revisit, but for the most of the day, we shove them aside and kind of learn to live with the little good that we did see.” He held her by the arms, looked her in the eye and said, “It’s okay, we are all broken. I am broken too. Maybe not as much but a little bit. Now come, lets find all the broken places and touch them so we can be a part of each other’s broken memories and maybe that will make this better.”

She looked at him. These words made sense. His words make complete sense.. but she didn’t think that he deserved to witness this much sadness and darkness. ” No, but you don’t understand. It gets really dark in my head sometimes. There are times that I cry when nothing’s wrong and there are times when I lay in bed for hours thinking of the future and the past and everything in between and I am paralysed by my own thoughts and I don’t eat and I don’t sleep and it gets very dark and lonely and that’s something i don’t ever want you to have to see or go through with. This head of mine, it loses itself in a labyrinth made my itself and I am not in charge anymore and I want to make this stop but I can’t and you shouldn’t have to step in right now.

He looked at her and said, “Im ready and I want to step in. I want to touch the cracks and the scars. Take your time. Show me bit by bit, but my condition is  show me. Show me and don’t back down for an actual shot at something here. Don’t back down and if you want to talk or someone to cry with or someone to lay down with, I am your guy. “

[NOT] A Morning Person. 

I woke up this morning to a new me, one that was woken up by your snores. New me isnt annoyed, she’s pleased. She’s laughing to herself as she slowly runs her fingers over your lips while you look like you’re on a cloud (well, except for that snoring). New me doesnt drag her feet on the ground to get to the espresso machine; to actually wake up to this messy world. New me actually loves stretching on the bed while I sing the most annoying song, in full volume to wake you up. You wake up with that nasty grin on your face; one that reads that you’re going to get me back for this. You tickle me and tackle me until I stop and I tackle back; with heavy laughter, that comes from far deeper than the lungs. My heart is fluttering (which biologically isnt possible, but poetically; makes all the sense in the world) and my body feels so much more awake than those coffee grains have ever made me feel. 

 New me loves Mornings. 
-Footnote:

{This may not seem alot, But Better Mornings make for better Days.💖}

I’ll be there for You. These five words I swear to You.

And I will wait through the rainy clouds and the stormy night. Outside your door step; drenched and cold. I will wait for you to open your door and let down the high walls that go far beyond the welcome mat of your house. I will wait because that is what I am willing to do for the rest of my life. I will wait this out and keep waiting until you let me in once and for all. 

Watch my relentless love outside your door step, through your water stained window. Raise those blinds and open that damn front door. I will walk in and never leave like the others did. I will never leave when the tide is high and the time is tough.

How many times are you willing to deny this love of mine? 

It’s Time to Begin.

Stop whining. Stop complaining. Stop looking down on yourself. Stop thinking that you are less than. Stop trying to change the person that is in the mirror. Stop finding things about yourself and thinking that they aren’t  “good enough”. Stop altering yourself to be better for someone else. Stop smoothening your edges. Stop trying to fit into someone else’s definition of who or what you should be. Stop bending and remoulding yourself in order to satisfy someone else’s needs. Stop looking for a different you because the You that you are is the greatest You that has ever walked this planet.. in fact the only you. Why are you so adept on changing that. Why you want to change anything about yourself at all? At any time? Why is it important for someone to see an altered, an edited version of who you are? Why can they not accept the raw and reeling version of who you are? And if they cannot, why change yourself? Why try so hard to get someone’s else approval and validation on who you are?