Holding on and Letting Go.

He sighed, exasperated after multiple trials and exhausted after no new discoveries from her part. She was getting harder to read, or maybe he was just getting more timid by the day. Who could blame him? She was too much to take in and every new discovery left him faded.

He tried once more. “What are you so afraid of? I’m here and I will always be here. Why can’t you see that?”

She looked at him long and hard. Then sighed. Looked down at her hands and start fiddling with her hair, never meeting his eyes. “I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of the rush and the pleasure. I’m afraid of not ever being able to love after you. I’m scared that I’ll give you too much.. all of it and when you leave, I’ll have none of me and everything of you and you’ll have all of me and all of you. How am I supposed to ever move past that? How am i ever supposed to pick myself back up and move forward and search for future endeavours? How am I ever supposed to go ahead and start new adventures and find new loves?”

She was almost crying. He ran towards her and enveloped her his my arms. “Why do you say ‘when’ I leave? Who said that I’m leaving? I’m not going anywhere. I’m here and I will take all of you and you will take all of me and we will both have way too much of either one of us and that is how we will live.”

 

2 years since, he had left, without any explanation.

They always leave.

Don’t go breaking my heart. 

Here’s the thing. Listen up clear and listen up close. Im in for the long run. For the big jump; for the giant leap of faith. Im in this because I want to and every ounce of blood in my body is pumping faster as Im thinking about this and all I want is to make this work. I dont do temporary. I dont do things that I know wont end well. I dont put my heart in a volcano and expect it to come back unscathed. I am not ready for that kind of exhilaration and pain. I am petrified beyond my wits. I dont know how people do that. Put their heart and soul on the line just to have it walked over time and time again. But thats not me. I take care of my heart and I want it to see less pain; as stupid as it may seem. I am in for the big one. I want you and I want all of you. I want the messy bits especially. And I want you take my messy bits and throw them around. Lets scatter all our little bits and pieces and see which ones we really need and which ones we cant live without. Lets dance to no music and lets jump on the bed every morning until the springs come off lose and there are feathers everywhere. Lets shake things up a bit and see where this goes. 

But dont tell me that youre not in for the big haul. That you dont want a happily ever after to this. That all you want is smiles and giggles and 3AM conversation when you wont sit with me for the rest of our lives.