Me, Myself and I

This one’s for you, for Us. For the Me that I used to be and the Me that younger Me would’ve been so proud of me but the Older Me just cant find happiness in. This one’s for Me, the Me that I used to be and the Me that I’ve become and the parts of me that I never saw myself becoming. This one’s for me and the version of myself that I can still somedays see in the reflection. The me that I so often in catch in little things I do and the laugh that comes bursting out of my lungs and the way that I cross my legs and stand or the way that I raise my glasses from the bridge of my nose and the me that holds onto herself at night almost every night and the me that no matter what goes on is still the Me that I have always known true to be.

You will get there. You will be the image of perfection someday (because somehow that’s all it is that you have been chasing) and for a fleeting moment you will see yourself outside of your body and you will see that yes, you have become what you had always wanted to be. But you never stopped being the 13 year old who had stopped growing tall or the 14 year old who had a massive acne breakout or the 15 year old who had it all at the time, the friends, the love, the grades and the family or the 16 year old who knew the end was near and had started to see clearly, who had finally started to experience the bitter more than the sweet or the 17 year old who practically spent the days making memories and the nights being thrown into all the memories that she didn’t want to remember and some that she couldn’t forget or the 18 year old who finally stepped out of her house and saw a little bit of this gigantic mess of a world.
Here’s to you and all of your achievements and all of your mishaps and all of your falls and rises and all of your truths and lies and all of your betrayals and sorrows. This one’s for you, you made it and you are still making it for nobody but Yourself.

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Will I see you there?

I’ll see you at the beginning;

In between stolen glances and words which were mine even before you uttered them. Where your gorgeous eyes were only looking for mine. Somewhere in  between the slight brushing of the hands and the times where I would go back home and hold my hand against my heart and hear the loudest beats. Somewhere in between the words unsaid and the smiles that were intended for me and me only.

I’ll see you somewhere in my dreams where you would lay next to me and hold my hand and make me feel like all the stars in the sky were ours and the light from them was enough to keep us alive. And in that moment we felt like conquerers, where all of the world was ours and we were enough for all of its might. In that moment, your hand was all the power I needed to feel like that no unknown was scarier to break us down.

I will see you somewhere, where  all the songs were about you and all the words reminded me of you and your gorgeous hair and the feeling where my heart actually felt like it had left my body and was floating above in the sky and had left me down here to deal with the chaotic mess that I so often was around you.  I’ll see you somewhere, some where distant, somewhere far away from here, somewhere where we know no one and no one knows us. Of the past that we had or the life that we want to have. Somewhere where I sing in the morning and you hold my hand and dance with me. Somewhere, where our eyes meet and we instantly smile because this is it and somehow even though it shouldn’t be, you were my first and you were enough and I was enough for you.

 

But right now, you are yours and I am mine and we aren’t enough anymore.. We will take a while to get there, to be there, to find or way into the walls of the house that we may someday have, Into the wooden floors and the glass windows… We’ll get there soon. Just not now.

Are you ready?

Come, lets fall in love with ourselves before we fall in love with anybody else.  Come lets help each other discover what we don’t see in us; what we refuse to see in ourselves.Lets claim ourselves as our own before we can give any part of us to anybody. Come lets see what we can do without all of our insecurities holding us from our sleeves, nagging at our shoulders and constantly whispering into our ears everything that we hate about ourselves. Come lets see what we do when we stay awake at 3 am and count how many stars there are and how many we can call our own. Come, lets grow a plant and see what life looks like when it isn’t ours. Come lets play strings on a guitar and sing at our loudest and discover what lyrics make most sense. Come, lets sleep in bed and whisper things that we are too afraid to say in the light of day. Let’s hold hands and fall asleep in the comfort of the knowledge that there is someone to wake up to.

And when one night, we are feeling mighty courageous, lets leave this town. Lets leave notes on the fridge and escape for a bit. Let’s leave now before we never can, before there is so much more here than there. Come, lets abandon all the fears and doubts that are constantly holding us back and lets jump a little. Lets embrace the weird and the insane and lets see where this takes us. Lets wake up without clocks and calendars and figure out how to get to a destination without google maps. Lets live off of scraps and sleep in cars and discover life without these retched devices that we cling on to. 

Moreover, lets decide who we want to be. Lets shed away everything we aren’t proud of and everything we said we wouldn’t become. Let’s drop that dead weight and leap ahead.