And it all happened in a flash; in the blink of an eye. we were laughing. I was looking up with my mouth wide open; my smile breaking out into a laugh and my laugh turning into a hysterical fit. You were looking at me, smiling. You knew. You knew before I did. You knew that our eyes had met before and they will meet each other again and again. They were destined to look into each other and find little bits and pieces of one another we didn’t even know existed, let alone had given them away.
You looked at me like you could see the next 10 years. This, right here right now was the real deal. The kind of feeling authors write in the most heart wrenching books, trying so hard to put the thousand heartbeats and the million stolen glances into words that could be understood by a layman. The kind of feeling we sometimes wait a whole life time to find; you found it in me and you knew this was to be treasured. this was the kind of the feeling that never did quite fade away; no mater how hard you try to fight it. No matter how far you run away; this feeling is never quite gone.
Your heart never fails to skip a beat when I enter a room or when i say your name. Your lips never fail to slightly smile when you see me, brushing hair out of my eyes, or rolling my eyes. You never fail to see through my smile. You never fail to understand that something is on my mind. You know the crinkle between my eyebrows when something has my attention. You never fail to understand that I am human and I am flawed and i am trying. I am trying everyday. I am trying to be a better person that yesterday. You never fail to call me and check up on me. You know me like the back of your hand. You will find me in the darkest hour and hold my hand in yours and just like that I would know that nothing will every feel more like home than that one simple gesture.
It was all in that one picture. We knew that You and I could never exist as two different individuals anymore. I began where you ended. We were now two units existing as one. . We decided that this was a feeling too strong to fight. This would be defying every supernatural force which is trying to get us together.
And just like that, that photograph was etched into our memory.
I understand that pain comes in waves; just like memories do. Pain comes in intervals. Pain comes right when you think you are done experiencing the horrific feeling of being reminded of the past, pain decides to pay another visit.
I realized that pain is not always bad. That pain can put things back into perspective. It can remind us of the people we need when we are in pain and of every moment before that one, the good moments that somehow always seem to resurface right when you are in pain. And that is good because then just like in the past, we will get out of this suffering. We will see the light at the end of the tunnel or sometime even farther beyond. No, we do not come out unscathed and alive. A little part of us is left behind.. A little part of us is lost in that misery. A little hope dies inside of us. And little bitterness arises. But these are not your battle scars, these are your trophies. These are your shields and your weapons. These are all things that will make your journey henceforth easier; atleast relatively.
And sometimes these can also be reminders. Reminders of the crucial times before .. Reminders of how we crossed those burning bridges or a reminder of who we were with.
And I swear It will get easier. It will. But pain never stops and that is just something we have to learn to bear.
Hush now. There’s no need to rush this. We can take this slow or we can take this fast. We can do whatever feels right. Right.. The sound of that word is new.
But new.. Thats what I’ve been waiting for. Something new. Somethingthat hasn’t dominated my life. Something that will hit me out of nowhere and sting me right where it hurts. New, as in something that has never existed in my life before you came along.
Like a blast of colours and a thousand symphonies. Like a rainy day followed by a double rainbow. Or like that one perfect day between spring and summer. That one misty day right before December. Like that one stormy night we all chose to stay in but would love to be out. You were my storm and you will always be my storm. And this storm is constantly raging and changing and throwing a new hurdle at me everyday. This storm is forever shaking the ground beneath me and the roof above me. But this is that something that no one ever tells you about.
The constant shaking and the shivering and the feeling of being right on the edge of a cliff. Every moment feels like Im on a cliff. And you know what?
I’d jump off that cliff with your hand in mine Any goddamn day.
Lets take a trip. Lets throw in the first things we see in a rucksack and not look back. Get our shades on and start driving.
Lets not tell anyone. Lets turn off our phones for a bit and soak in each other’s company. Lets listen to whatever crap the radio has on and lets learn the words to these songs. Lets scream at the top of lungs with the words we do and dont know. Lets laugh at the silliest jokes and have smiles that linger on for far longer. Lets have gas stops where we stock up with junk and nothing to actually eat. Lets roll down our windows, letting the wind beat against our faces. Let the moonlight guide us to our destination; wherever that may be.
Lets get lost for a bit and have a mini panic attack and then lets continue getting lost; but this time, enjoying every bit of it. Lets experience these little joys with each other; hand in hand throughout.
Lets hold on tight. Hold on to each other and head in to oblivion. Lets escape this silly world with its silly people for a bit and savour all that we can.
Lets eat crappy food and laugh about it anyway. Lets love. Love so deeply and so passionately that we forget what era we are in. Lets love with tiny acts or grand gestures. Lets fall in love over and over again. With the way I snore or with the way you eat. With the way I can talk endlessly and you can listen quietly or with the way you can caress my arm and make my whole body shiver.
Lets sleep in. Sleep in the back of the truck or in a ratty, old motel. Lets cuddle and fall asleep. No words said. Lets wake up to the rays of sunlight; no alarms needed. Lets drink coffee and head on. Lets start a new day holding new adventures.
Lets take pictures. Tons of them. Loads and loads. Of every little moment. And not with those smart phones; NO. Lets get the camera to use. Lets capture that smile that reaches your eyes and makes your eyes go small. Lets capture that little bug that crawled into the car or that time that you spilled coffee all over you. Or the time when we ran out of gas or when I had left my socks in the motel. Lets capture everything and anything. That foggy day or that rainy evening. Lets leave nothing for the imagination. Lets save it all and look at these 3 years from now and laugh about it all.
Lets Go To NeverLand.
“No, You listen. Listen very carefully because I dont do this.. Actually, No. I cant do this. I hardly ever do this. It is one of the hardest things for me to come out and accept that I was wrong. To put my feelings into an apology and an apology into an action which will hopefully move toward reconciliation. But listen. Please listen carefully. Im not very good at this.
I have been trying. I have been trying to be the person that everyone expects me to be. I have been trying to sort this hurricane inside of me and come out of it in one piece. I have been trying to tame my inner demons. Believe me, I have.
I have been trying to tell you how I feel about you. I have been trying to put every heart beat, every touch, every whisper into words that you can decipher. I have been trying to make you understand just how much you mean to me. I have been trying to tell you that this is a Galaxy that you have given me. You have looked at me with stars in your eyes searching for the constellation within me. You have looked deep into this rugged soul and found the pieces that I didnt even know I had hidden away. You have worshipped this body like none other. You have had me in your prayers without even realizing that you were doing it everyday. You have seen me at my darkest and enveloped me in your moonlight. You have shone upon me what was left of your light; just to illuminate every inch of me. You have lit me up. You have set fire to my soul and left it burning. You have awakened my senses. I am constantly touching and feeling and breathing a new air. A new beginning.
And I dont know how else to tell you that this; this that you have given me is worth more than a thousand kisses and a thousand diamonds. This, what you have given me is timeless; is Beyond Forever. We will die but this fire shall forever burn.
And for this, I am eternallygrateful to YOU.”
He breathed heavily. He was speechless. He was in a trance, hyponitized by what he had just heard.
And then it dawned on him; This is Love.
As we made our way back, all we could think was; ‘How much longer now?’ How much longer until we finally see the horizon.. The end to this magnificent beginning. The end to the suffering and the pain. The end to this perpetual emotional turmoil and an end to this petty misery. An end to the self pity we constantly have and an end to all that bad that came with this journey.
What we dont realize is that this would be yet another end to alot of beautiful things. This would be an end to a whole lot of good things that we so often neglet. We take the happy moments for granted and we never realize this laughter or that incident can be something that crumbles us to pieces once it’s all over.
Every so often, we need to step back and look at the bigger picture being painted as we live our lives. And every so often, we need to take a step closer and look for our next step; take some closure. Make a little detour or make a giant leap. Make changes and make decisions while keeping in mind to keep the more important things constant.
And His Scent lingered long after he was gone. He left his trail without even realizing that I would memorize this. I would make a map and remember this.
Remember the way his shirt was strewn across the floor. Remember the way the painting on his wall was slightly tilted. Remember the old record that was playing for I dont know how long; with a peculiar melody that is now stuck in my head. I will remember the way his hair felt the first time I ran my hands through them. I will remember how his breath fastened and I felt your body heat up. I will remember how hewhispered the enchanted words every girl waits to hear. I will remember how he never let me be cold.
Even if I try, with the energy of a thousand bulls trying to drag me away from these memories; I will remember.
And then I realized that I had dedicated too much of “me” to him and that feared me more than anything. Because you can lose places and people and memories and things but losing yourself is the scariest of all. Because how do you get back pieces of yourself that you; at that time, were so willing to give up?
How do you ask the heart breaker to separate me from you and give it all back. And when you do get ‘you’ back, they are all stained with Him. His footprints are everywhere. His voice echoes in the deepest corners of your heart. His touch is imprinted. And his scent is forever locked. And all of these little things are now on you, Forever.
I want me back from you. I want my whole parts before I met you and I want them all. Take your scent and your voice and your laughter. Take it to someone who is tough enough to watch you leave or better yet, take it to someone you wont leave.
Because I cant afford to lose more of me to anyone.
It is a well known fact that at some point in our lives we will be deceived, let down and feel the lowest. Feel beneath everyone and everything else . We seem to fail at every little thing we initiate. It all comes crumbling after.
And that is when all we wish for is to numb these feelings. Numb these feelings that are taking up the sum of our entire being. Slowly eating away all the good bits and leaving us to mourn with the ugly.
So the real question here is, how do you come out of that storm? How do you be brave enough to face the storm head on in the first place? Do you let everyone around see the hell you’re going through? Or do you put on a strong suit and let them think you’re invincible? Or do you just go into a corner and rock yourself to sleep.. Because dont we all deserve an ‘off day’, a ‘free pass’? A day or a thing that we are allowed to do or have by ourselves without having to worry about what everyone else would think?
Here’s what my answer to this: You Deal. You can do all the above in a chronological order and I wont judge you but what I will judge you for is if you decide to STOP right there. Right in the eye of the hurricane you just decide to close your eyes and let it take over. When you decide that you aren’t good enough to take the lead in your life and that you’d rather Stop or Worse; have IT control YOU thats when I will judge you and I will hold this against you.
Because you can cry and yell and break things and go on long walks or even disappear for a bit. But all I ask of you is to Always return and face the thunder and the lightning and the hail storms.
I ask you to Deal with whatever curveball life has to throw at You.
Something about her didn’t want him to wrap his arms around her, or hold her close or embrace her tiny self into his giant arms. Not that he wouldn’t want to envelope her and hold her close for the rest of his life. But there was a fire inside her that was burning too bright and he couldn’t dull that fire.
No, he wanted to feed that Fire Inside of her. He wanted to see her become the Magnificient being that she was destined to be. He wanted to see that
flame shine brightest.
Something about her didn’t want himt to fight her Battles for Her; But With her and Somehow that Made all the Difference.
He knew that that was how this was gonna be different than any other time.