Stop whining. Stop complaining. Stop looking down on yourself. Stop thinking that you are less than. Stop trying to change the person that is in the mirror. Stop finding things about yourself and thinking that they aren’t “good enough”. Stop altering yourself to be better for someone else. Stop smoothening your edges. Stop trying to fit into someone else’s definition of who or what you should be. Stop bending and remoulding yourself in order to satisfy someone else’s needs. Stop looking for a different you because the You that you are is the greatest You that has ever walked this planet.. in fact the only you. Why are you so adept on changing that. Why you want to change anything about yourself at all? At any time? Why is it important for someone to see an altered, an edited version of who you are? Why can they not accept the raw and reeling version of who you are? And if they cannot, why change yourself? Why try so hard to get someone’s else approval and validation on who you are?
I don’t understand the fascination with wanting to get with someone and settling down as soon as possible and flaunt to the world that this is us and this is our oh-so-perfect little relationship and this is our life here on and there you all are stuck in your own little miserable world with your solitude and your book and you cat.
I don’t see the logic behind that. I don’t understand why you would want to give yourself self away to someone before even realising what it is that you are giving away. Do you understand the magnitude of that sort of a commitment? No, don’t get me wrong. I am a firm believer of finding your happiness in someone else. But that is not what is happening. You are jumping on the very first opportunity that has arisen and you Bolt. You smooth your edges and you wear a glass screen over your eyes. You seal your lips and shut your ears to all things bad. You see no good, you hear no good and say no good. And just like that you expect the world to be perfect because you have done your “bit”. Well sorry to burst your little bubble pumpkin, but the world isn’t as good as you want it to be and you aren’t safe and you can’t expect that just because you aren’t seeing any evil that no evil is happening at all.
There is so much about yourself that you have yet to discover. There is so much beauty within that you has been waiting to emerge, for the right time to come. There is so much magic and mist and wonder and amusement that you have yet to explore. There is a world full of possibilities that you haven’t seen. A number of avenues that you haven’t walked through. And I understand that if that were the case, we would forever be finding ourselves and that is true indeed. But look at this. You are deciding to dedicate all parts of you to him and hopefully he is ready to do the same. But in all honesty, how much of yourself do you actually know? Do you know who you truly are to the very core of your being? Do you realize what it means to let down your walls and actually have them invaded? Do you realize that your insecurities are out in the open and that they are not at all pretty?
You are who you are and that is inevitable. But have you gotten around to accepting that and truly being comfortable in your skin? Have you understood what it means to love and to be loved? To have it all on the line and wake up every waking moment worried sick about what the next one holds?
Take a time out and find out these little things about yourself. Look deep inside and find out what you really are, who you are really ready to spend the rest of your life with. Find out if you are who you always thought you would be or in the passage of time.. Have things changed. And if so, find a way to learn to accept this and everything else. Because you are constantly changing and you may not realize how important it is to keep up with that. You are a marvellous being and you are setting about a very tough journey ahead of you.
Make sure you have your baggage handled.
Its one thing to help others get out of their misery. Its one thing to help someone go through a tough time and stand by and watch them push through some of the hardest times they will ever experience and watch that eventually, there is only so much you can do. The recovery process is completely dependent on the individual. It is entirely in their hands to take one day as it comes their way and to end it with a little bit more progress than they did they day before.
But when it is your turn to stand in the storm and deal with the strong currents and the crazy wind, that is when all the tables turn and bridges burn. That is when you truly understand that healing, recovering and finally being able to stand your own two feet without wavering takes a hell of a lot. It is only then that you realize that this will forever be something that you face. Periodically, this will come up and knock the breath out of you. It will buckle you down to your knees and you will be broken all over again and the healing has to begin from square one. This will happen again and again and slowly healing will take less time and so much less effort.
I know this sounds pretty and perfect and somehow simpler than it actually is. It takes years if not more to finally be closer to the person that you were before it happened. It takes ages to smile without forcing it. It takes dozens of sleepless nights to have one that has lasted for a decent 5 hours. And it takes forever to open up about this to someone at all.
My point is, take your time. Take a breather. Look at things without any prejudice. Do’t let the past cloud your perspective. And don’t ever stop doing things that made you happy no matter how blurry they seem now with all the darkness that they surround. And most importantly, give it all another try. Put yourself out there. Put yourself in a vulnerable position and feel the rush. Feel the beating of your heart and feel yourself on the spot and afraid.
Feel yourself be Alive.
One day you’ll wake up at 3 AM in the morning, shaken; and you will realize that you no longer miss your first love. That you are sleeping next to that special someone that gave you everything you could ever ask for and without even realising he gave you the gift of a lifetime; the gift of finally being able to forget Him. To be able to wake up everyday and not count how many days it has been since and how much more longer until the horizon is finally visible. To be able to carry your day without constantly sighing and having to take two painkillers before lunch. To be able to go back to bed with as much as energy as you woke up with. One day you will wake up and realize that even though you were both madly in love, he is gone and he isn’t coming back. He made that decision for himself and he never did look back.. so why did you? For years you tormented yourself with the thought of his face and how his nose crinkled and eyes glowed. How the back of his neck felt and his body fit right next to yours. How one second he was there and the next.. he wasn’t.
One day you will wake up and realize that at the end of the day, he never did truly love you. Because you don’t destroy and break the people that you love. And even if you somehow manage to do so.. You stay. You stay and you mend things. You stay for as long as you have to and you try, day after day; you try and mend things and you hope to god that it gets better, for the both of you. You try until the smile on their face is finally genuine and you try until they finally wake up in the morning with a spring in their feet. You try and you make them happy and you Keep them happy until the end of time. That is what you do to the people you have hurt and damaged. You never leave them.
And that day, you will curl up next your special someone and fall back asleep because you knew who stayed.
I believe that we are all supposed to be at our worst at some point in our lives. The lowest that there has been. A point where you look back and recount all the days when you felt like it couldn’t get any worse than that but it did and you realized that all of those times are past you and the horrible phase that you are living in is the ultimate worst. That you can never be this sad or broken or completely shattered on the inside and out. At that point everything seems to be going south. Absoultely everything is in shambles. Your whole life lies ahead of you and it seems that nothing has ever been worth it.
There will be a moment as such and you will feel like this is the end. That this is it and that this is as bad as it gets.
And then something ridiculous happens .. You realize that that is exactly what you felt during all those previous times. You felt like that was that and you were done. But here you are staring at yet another problem and once again never realizing that you got out of every single one of those not entirely unscathed but pretty well.
How do you fail to see this .. Time and time again how do you fail to acknowledge the beautiful creation that you truly are. That you are built for obstacles as big as the tsunami and for hurdles as high as the Himalays. That you are glorious and you can deal with your problems in their own time and solve them. That you are able. You are able and you are strong and you are courageous and you are brave.
These arent just adjectives. These are all the words that come to my head when I think of you. Why can’t you see that when you look into the mirror?
So know that there is no problem sent upon you that you weren’t built to deal with. No difficulty and no obstacle hard enough for you not to overcome.
Tell me when you feel scared. Scared of growing up and getting out of your comfort zone. Tell me when you feel afraid. Afraid of losing everything dear to you. Afraid of having everything you ever knew being taken away from you. Tell me when your heart is trying to mend itself. When it has been broken too many times and just cannot be the same again. Tell me when you feel lonely and that nothing and no one can fill that void. Tell me when you need me. When your darkest days could use a little bit of company. When you want nothing but to have someone next to you. To lean your head against and to hold you close. Tell me. And I will be there. Tell me and I will run, walk or crawl just to be with you. Tell me and I will tell you. That I am dark and scratched and broken on the inside too. Tell me so I can tell you that underneath all that tough exterior, we are both the same and only we can get ourselves out of this misery … Or well, Stay in it Together.
Say it. Everything that you have been mashing down and trying so hard to keep within you. Say that you’re Sorry or say that you most definitely aren’t. Say that you tried and failed and you are constantly trying or say that after everything that you have endured and done, that You cannot keep trying anymore. Say it. Say it out loud and don’t run away from it. You are who you are and you are exactly where you are supposed to be now. So stop running from it. Say that you couldn’t be there for someone when they needed you. Or say that you cannot stay because you have stayed for far too long and now it isn’t working out anymore. Because you need to put yourself first, for once in your life. You love someone? Tell them. They deserve to know that they are loved and if life is really good to you and it really feels like its in the mood to offer you the greatest thing you have ever known; they will Love you back.. Hopefully with the same magnitude if not more. If you don’t love someone who loves you.. well then the one thing that life comes with a description for is that it will be hell and it will be hard and most times you will want to pause and stay there standing.. and you will never want to start again. And for a while, you will probably be doing that. But as long as you can find a way to start crawling.. taking little steps; You are doing okay. So if you can’t reciprocate someone’s feelings for them, tell them sooner rather than later because as much as they deserve to know that they are loved, they also deserve to know that they aren’t.. because if there’s anything worse than rejection, its the feeling after rejection, where you still lead them on with an inkling of hope that this all may someday turn out the way they want it to.
Say it all. Say it before life comes tumbling down and you regret not saying things that you should’ve or things that you could’ve prevented. Say it and stand by and watch the consequences of your actions and hold yourself accountable for your responsibilities and mistakes.
Oh, Honey we are all hopeless romantics when it comes to Love. No matter what kind of love it may be but we are always looking for opportunities to make love last. To make this one time the ‘Forever’. We can deny it all we want. We can blow it off and act like love doesn’t exist anymore and that having someone who can tolerate our crazy selves is all we need and some days we end up believing our bullshit as much as we try to make everyone think that that is ALL we need. But who are we kidding?
We want the big, romantic, candy, sugar coated, Valentine’s Day kind of love. We want the kind of love that somehow always keep happening to Katherine Heigl and Taylor Swift. We want the kind of sleepless nights that are only a result of the giddiness in the toes and that light up the world kind of love. We want a whirl winding kind of love that has no bounds and knows no ends. This world and the next and the next is nothing if it isn’t with that One.
We don’t just need someone to ‘Tolerate’ our flaws and our mistakes and our tear stained face. No. We want someone who knows them and accepts them and loves them altogether. Who doesn’t ask what happened but just holds you close because thats all we need. Someone to come home to and fall in their arms. Someone who doesn’t ask questions until you are ready to talk. Someone who thinks that your flaws are nothing but Beautiful and only Human. Someone who comes with their own baggage and their shortcomings and you know exactly why they are what they are. Someone who is ready to take the big leap and the baby steps. Someone who is ready for the worst and has your back at all times. Someone who is ready for the rises and falls and the mishaps and the late night arguments and the food fights and the ridiculous conversations at 2 am just because it is You they are doing it all with.
We are all slaves when it comes to the matters of the heart.
I can’t be away from you anymore. I can’t stand you looking at him. I can’t stand you both in your little bubble. You are supposed to be with me. You are supposed to breathe the same air as I do. We are supposed to be wrapped in the covers on lazy Saturday mornings. Laughing and kissing somewhere in between being asleep and awake. I want it All. I want it all and everything and I only want it with you.
I want the sight of you when I wake up and only Your arms around me when I go to sleep. I want to come to a home that smells like you and that has you curled up on the couch with your mug of hot chocolate and a book that you have probably read more times then you can remember. I want that burnt food and that pizza that you ordered for backup. I want your little dance parties and your karaoke nights. I want you on the days when your feet don’t stay on the floor; the days when all you want to do is dance and sing and let the world that nothing can hurt you today. That today, you are invincible to all of its traps and nasty little schemes. Those infectious days when everyone around has a smile reaching their ears. I want you on the days when you would do anything to stay in bed and sob to yourself. I want to hold you close to me on those days and whisper nothing in your hair. I want your frail hands and your messy hair and your slightly bumpy nose and your misty eyes. I want you everyday. I want what we had back.
Can you give it to me again?
The truth is that I’ve been feeling a little bit empty on the inside.. Very empty. I’ve been feeling this void that has been expanding. This space in me that is somehow only getting bigger. I try. I promise that I ty. I try to fill it up with new people and new places. With new monuments and new song lyrics. I try to laugh as much as I can and as loud as I can. I try to keep learning new things. New languages or new cultures and traditions. I try to accept the newness around me. I try to acknowledge the fact that things will never be the same again. That You and I will never Be Us Again. I try. Believe me when I tell you that I try to the very core of my being. I try to understand everything you said over and over again. I try to wake up everyday hoping to get past this.. Get through this. I’m hoping that one day I spring out of bed rather than having to drag myself out of it. That I don’t need two shots of espresso to get my eyes to finally adjust with the light. I’m hoping that one day I wake up and NOT have to console myself about the things you said and the things you left me behind with.
I’m hoping that one day, You’ll come at my doorstep and take it all back. I’m hoping that that will be the day that you wrap me in your arms once and for all. I’m hoping that this misery will finally be over and done with. I’m hoping that I’ll wake up and realize that the darkness has finally been lifted from above me and I don’t need to slouch and crawl through my days anymore.
But that day isn’t today.
Today is just like any other day since you left. You left not knowing the chaos that you were leaving behind.. Almost just like you came.
And what they say is true… A storm never comes with a warning. It comes and washes you away and it leaves you behind to deal with the mess. And you were my storm. The only storm that I needed to wake up from that lucid life that I was living.
Little did I know that I would be left behind feeling even more Dizzy and Blinded.