What then?

“I am yours, don’t you see that? Everything I am and everything I will ever be; that is all yours, my Love. This is all of me and now all of this is as much Yours; if not more, than it was ever mine. You might not understand, but  everything I do,  reminds me of you. Everything I see, I imagine seeing it with you. Every time i listen to good music, i think of telling you about it so we can dance to it and every time I dream a dream at night and it doesn’t have you in it, I wake up a little disappointed. I want you, I want us, all of us and all of the friggin time. It is so bizarre imagining a life before you were here and It is almost impossible to NOT have you hereafter. And I am so scared that I more Yours than I am Mine and I feel like I can never reclaim my bits from you anymore and that petrifies me because what if you don’t want some parts of me and I can’t have them back and you decide to toss out in the trash. What then?

Everyone talks about the beauty and the happiness that comes with love, but no one talks about losing yourself to the person. Nobody talks about how possessed you feel and how Powerless that makes you feel. You are not in control anymore. And the fact that I am readily giving up that control and power into your hands with the key to my heart to you is a bigger deal than you could ever possibly imagine. This isn’t me. I am not mine anymore. I am yours and I am doing what I cannot control anymore. This; Me.. Is All You.

And I am afraid. I am so afraid and I am devoid of air in my lungs.  And what if you wake up one morning and you don’t want me anymore and you decide that out there is where you belong and all I am is just a mere reminder of how much heavy weight exists in your life. And maybe you won’t ever want to see me. What then? How do I walk again? How do I ever step out again?

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Will I see you there?

I’ll see you at the beginning;

In between stolen glances and words which were mine even before you uttered them. Where your gorgeous eyes were only looking for mine. Somewhere in  between the slight brushing of the hands and the times where I would go back home and hold my hand against my heart and hear the loudest beats. Somewhere in between the words unsaid and the smiles that were intended for me and me only.

I’ll see you somewhere in my dreams where you would lay next to me and hold my hand and make me feel like all the stars in the sky were ours and the light from them was enough to keep us alive. And in that moment we felt like conquerers, where all of the world was ours and we were enough for all of its might. In that moment, your hand was all the power I needed to feel like that no unknown was scarier to break us down.

I will see you somewhere, where  all the songs were about you and all the words reminded me of you and your gorgeous hair and the feeling where my heart actually felt like it had left my body and was floating above in the sky and had left me down here to deal with the chaotic mess that I so often was around you.  I’ll see you somewhere, some where distant, somewhere far away from here, somewhere where we know no one and no one knows us. Of the past that we had or the life that we want to have. Somewhere where I sing in the morning and you hold my hand and dance with me. Somewhere, where our eyes meet and we instantly smile because this is it and somehow even though it shouldn’t be, you were my first and you were enough and I was enough for you.

 

But right now, you are yours and I am mine and we aren’t enough anymore.. We will take a while to get there, to be there, to find or way into the walls of the house that we may someday have, Into the wooden floors and the glass windows… We’ll get there soon. Just not now.

[NOT] A Morning Person. 

I woke up this morning to a new me, one that was woken up by your snores. New me isnt annoyed, she’s pleased. She’s laughing to herself as she slowly runs her fingers over your lips while you look like you’re on a cloud (well, except for that snoring). New me doesnt drag her feet on the ground to get to the espresso machine; to actually wake up to this messy world. New me actually loves stretching on the bed while I sing the most annoying song, in full volume to wake you up. You wake up with that nasty grin on your face; one that reads that you’re going to get me back for this. You tickle me and tackle me until I stop and I tackle back; with heavy laughter, that comes from far deeper than the lungs. My heart is fluttering (which biologically isnt possible, but poetically; makes all the sense in the world) and my body feels so much more awake than those coffee grains have ever made me feel. 

 New me loves Mornings. 
-Footnote:

{This may not seem alot, But Better Mornings make for better Days.💖}