Here I am Alive.

Here I Stand. Relaying my words to you, reading out my story to you. Here I stand. Writing down all the words that I have ever known and all the stories that these two eyes have seen and all of the hearts that these two hands have held and all of the tears that have been shed from these eyes into these hands and have brushed against crumbled skirts and loose sleeves and have been shed for once and for all; never again.

Here I lay, beneath the open sky and on a patch of grass that isn’t the greenest. Here I lay and here I lay to tell you that the worse is yet to come and the best is always looming behind it. Here I lay to tell you that no matter what colour the grass is, as long you’re laying on it and you’re laying long enough to tell your story, You are enough. That is all that matters.

Here I sprint. Sprint away from all that has ever haunted me and all that will forever take away from me and all that has little bits and pieces of me and all that owns me. Here, I run away from them onto a place which accepts my broken and incomplete self because all that is broken does not need mending but healing. And all that is shattered will rise from the deepest browns of the earth and will fall upon you from the highest realms of these skies.

Here I fly, fly into the starry sky which has never once failed to awe me. These starry skies are my kryptonite and I shall never¬†ask of you to come with me but if you may, my hand is held open and my heart’s doors always creak open for you.

Here I stop. Stop right in front of you and stop only for a brief moment. I ask you, “Are you here? Are you alive? Do you feel your heart racing and your body tingling and your ears thrumming with the beats of a new tomorrow? Does your mind say yes to your body? Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to go up up and away?”

Here I wait, Not for long, but I shall patiently and keenly wait for the greatest question of them all, “Here I am before you, Am I enough?”

Will I see you there?

I’ll see you at the beginning;

In between stolen glances and words which were mine even before you uttered them. Where your gorgeous eyes were only looking for mine. Somewhere in  between the slight brushing of the hands and the times where I would go back home and hold my hand against my heart and hear the loudest beats. Somewhere in between the words unsaid and the smiles that were intended for me and me only.

I’ll see you somewhere in my dreams where you would lay next to me and hold my hand and make me feel like all the stars in the sky were ours and the light from them was enough to keep us alive. And in that moment we felt like conquerers, where all of the world was ours and we were enough for all of its might. In that moment, your hand was all the power I needed to feel like that no unknown was scarier to break us down.

I will see you somewhere, where  all the songs were about you and all the words reminded me of you and your gorgeous hair and the feeling where my heart actually felt like it had left my body and was floating above in the sky and had left me down here to deal with the chaotic mess that I so often was around you.  I’ll see you somewhere, some where distant, somewhere far away from here, somewhere where we know no one and no one knows us. Of the past that we had or the life that we want to have. Somewhere where I sing in the morning and you hold my hand and dance with me. Somewhere, where our eyes meet and we instantly smile because this is it and somehow even though it shouldn’t be, you were my first and you were enough and I was enough for you.

 

But right now, you are yours and I am mine and we aren’t enough anymore.. We will take a while to get there, to be there, to find or way into the walls of the house that we may someday have, Into the wooden floors and the glass windows… We’ll get there soon. Just not now.

Feel the Rain on your Skin, No one else can feel it for You. 

So screw reason and throw away the goddamn logic outside your bedroom window. Stop wondering if it makes sense and if its the right thing to do; because if you have to wonder,then it   probably isn’t right and thats very much okay. Stop second guessing every decision you’re making, hoping for it to be right, always. It wont be. You need to make really horrible decisions every so often. You need to stumble and fall and stay on the ground for quite sometime to truly navigate your way back. I cannot emphasize this enough, but make mistakes, TONS of them. The kind of mistakes that make you want to turn back in time and reverse them immediately. The kind that make you launch into a series of gibberish followed by a seris of obscene swear words that arequite  indecipherable. And lastly, the kind of mistakes that you knew you were going to pay for way before you even decided on them.And do really dumb stuff that you know will leave scars and bruises along with eternally embarassing things that you know will haunt you. 

Savor the feeling of being alive. Of breathing in this rusty, polluted dust filled air every frikkin second. Embrace the fact that you have so much to lose.. Because thats so special. Embrace the adventure that is constantly being thrown your way and embrace the madness and the feeling of opening a door and being on top of a cliff and falling over. Tumblimg helplessly into oblivion. Embrace this nerve pumping fear and live a little.. Or live a lot actually. A whole lot. Live for the people in the graveyards who couldnt live for it all and live for the child in you that yearns to be let lose. Live for all of them and live a whole lot.