You made your home inside of me. You started slowly, placing brick by brick and fixing those bricks with cement and water. You came close, sometimes too close and sometimes; not close enough. You were there, enchanting and then you were gone. Your eyes would meet mine and for the rest of the night, I would search for my favourite pair. Then there were doors. There were tiny creaking doors and large doors with no handles and no locks. And suddenly you were everywhere. Your eyes were the only pair and your shoulder was the only one I wanted rubbing against mine. Your breath was synced with mine and your days were now ours. Your home had windows, windows that would open with no locks and windows that would stay open through the night. You’d walk in and grab by the hand and take me out for hours. We’d be by the sea one second and staring at the stars next. There was no limit to and there were no questions asked. Your home was chaotic and calm with a hint of lavender perfume in the air and a voice in my ears which always made my skin crawl and the hair on the back of my neck rise and that’s when I Knew that you should never build Homes in people because when you start slamming doors and shattering windows and painting the walls from red to blue and from blue to a pale grey, it Crumbles.
It crumbles beneath the sheer pain of abandonment and loss. It stands there on its bricks and mud trying to hold the life it contained within it, only to find that you can build Houses but sustain them with Life and only then can they become Homes.
I was Home and when you left, the doors broke off of their hinges and the ceiling crashed against the wall. There were shards of glasses everywhere. There were mirrors and frames and photographs and records and posters of your favourite 70’s rock band and that the last remnant of your most worn hoodie and your mother’s jewellery box which always had my ring. They were there but not anymore. They shattered under the agony of hearts falling apart and fates falling together and only then did I chant, “Never build homes in people, because they will burn and break and you will leave the four walls barely standing”.
You left a flight at risk without a fear of falling.
“It makes sense you know, the way you are and the way you look at things; they way they should be versus the way that they are. This actually isn’t that hard to comprehend once I understand where you’re coming from. You’re a whole lot of.. actually the sum of all of your memories. A collection of all the years and the memories and the moments and the places and things and feelings all at once; a manifestation of all of the years of your life in one. You are are this one tiny little human being holding onto the weight of a thousand Yesterday’s that you wish you’d have never had and you are the constant surge of hope and possibility for a tomorrow that you do not know of. But do you realize what’s wrong?
Darling, you are not in Today. You are here standing in front of me but you are not standing in front of me. In your mind’s eye, you are in that resort that you visited three years ago with your little sisters and you are also on that field with the wild ducks chasing after you and you yelping and screaming out of fear and humour. You need to be here, my love. I know that the possibility of a tomorrow is the best one that we have been given and I understand that some Yesterday’s outlive us our whole lives but what you need to realize is that none of them have the power that you hold right now. You right here hold the most supreme power of them all; you possess Change. You possess the ever lasting ability to stand your ground and sway with the wind and dance to the tunes that only you hear and sing to a bee song. You right here are Right Here. Say those words out loud and let them sink in so far deep within, that you can’t forget hem even if you tried.
And if someday’s your Today becomes hard to live through then know that the comfort and solace of my arms will forever await your embrace and they will hold you close until sundown and sunrise again; where we shall start a new possibility together; maybe.
I waited. I waited outside the parking lot of that old convenience store, the one where there was always that old,red, beat up truck parked, that hadn’t been moved in ages; thats where I waited. I waited there until dawn and then a little bit more after that. I waited until I knew inmy heart of hearts that this was an ending of some sorts.. and also the beginning of something different. Something that would shake the very core of being. Something that will take hold of me and shake things up around here because I didnt realize how much time I spent wandering around these little niblets of you. Every room I entered, I looked for you or at least traces of you. Every sound that I heard, I waited for that crackle that your laugh always made. My eyes and ears and nose were friendly and quite aware of your presence in the room and in your absence.. they too went a little dormant. So I waited. Everywhere I went, I ended up waiting. And nothing was different about that night.
I waited where we had decided that I would wait for you and I knew that this was going to be one of those big, gigantic moments in life which were going to define us in more than one way. It seemed like one of those big moments where you knew they were big even before they happened., and that was so beautiful. And I waited to be defined by you during this moment and you did.. you actually did define me in that moment where you decided to not show up. You defined me as somebody who was heartbroken and in love and was left to pick his pieces up, all of them; even the ones that he didn’t like and walk away. You defined me as someone who; no matter how awful the situation, would walk away from a toxic relationship. This was toxic not because you didn’t show up that night but it was toxic because somehow I always wound up waiting for you and you somehow never showed up. You always kept me waiting and I always waited.
In that moment, you defined me as someone who walked awwy. Who put an end to the waiting and finally, FINALL Y walked away from a lifetime’s worth of waiting and not saying anything about it. So, Thanks for yet another defining moment.
He sighed, exasperated after multiple trials and exhausted after no new discoveries from her part. She was getting harder to read, or maybe he was just getting more timid by the day. Who could blame him? She was too much to take in and every new discovery left him faded.
He tried once more. “What are you so afraid of? I’m here and I will always be here. Why can’t you see that?”
She looked at him long and hard. Then sighed. Looked down at her hands and start fiddling with her hair, never meeting his eyes. “I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of the rush and the pleasure. I’m afraid of not ever being able to love after you. I’m scared that I’ll give you too much.. all of it and when you leave, I’ll have none of me and everything of you and you’ll have all of me and all of you. How am I supposed to ever move past that? How am i ever supposed to pick myself back up and move forward and search for future endeavours? How am I ever supposed to go ahead and start new adventures and find new loves?”
She was almost crying. He ran towards her and enveloped her his my arms. “Why do you say ‘when’ I leave? Who said that I’m leaving? I’m not going anywhere. I’m here and I will take all of you and you will take all of me and we will both have way too much of either one of us and that is how we will live.”
2 years since, he had left, without any explanation.
They always leave.
I’m standing all the way here and you are all the way there and I’m just admiring you in your niche. I am standing so close but you seem to be in a galaxy of your own. You are so comfortable in your skin and that is so magnificent. Your eyes are far away looking at the horizon and your ears are soaking up the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and all I can do is stand here and look at you and just stare. Wonderstruck and in complete awe of what you are and who I have fallen in love with.And all I can I think is that What are the universe’s strange plans for us that they brought a mermaid to an ordinary fisher. They brought the whole galaxy at the feet of an astronomer and a the whole fucking world at my feet and I don’t know how carefully or recklessly to treat you. Do I let you free or do I keep you all to myself? Do I lose myself into your mystical worlds or do I stay on earth and keep us both grounded?
And all these questions are just reminders of exactly why we are together. How you can just stand and look into the horizon and seem like a frickin mermaid to me and all that is stopping me from wrapping you in my arms and kissing every inch of your body is the fact that the wind is blowing your hair away from your face and your chin is highlighted and all pointy in the end of it is on display and the mole right next to your eye is somehow clearer and all these little details are driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do with all of them. You are too much in one all at once and I wasn’t expecting this in my everyday life and you came and you stood on the same square of a tile that I had been on for the past decade and you shook the ground beneath me and you showed me that there was room to move around and I didn’t know how much I needed this until you showed me.
But I guess all I’m trying to tell you is that You are too much and in front of you, I feel weak and unworthy. And Im standing all the way when you turn and smile at me and start walking towards me and I am alright. Just like that. There is no place I’d rather be and no one I’d be with. I am shaking my head and smiling at how a man like me could ever take in a woman like you let alone get bored by you.
So screw reason and throw away the goddamn logic outside your bedroom window. Stop wondering if it makes sense and if its the right thing to do; because if you have to wonder,then it probably isn’t right and thats very much okay. Stop second guessing every decision you’re making, hoping for it to be right, always. It wont be. You need to make really horrible decisions every so often. You need to stumble and fall and stay on the ground for quite sometime to truly navigate your way back. I cannot emphasize this enough, but make mistakes, TONS of them. The kind of mistakes that make you want to turn back in time and reverse them immediately. The kind that make you launch into a series of gibberish followed by a seris of obscene swear words that arequite indecipherable. And lastly, the kind of mistakes that you knew you were going to pay for way before you even decided on them.And do really dumb stuff that you know will leave scars and bruises along with eternally embarassing things that you know will haunt you.
Savor the feeling of being alive. Of breathing in this rusty, polluted dust filled air every frikkin second. Embrace the fact that you have so much to lose.. Because thats so special. Embrace the adventure that is constantly being thrown your way and embrace the madness and the feeling of opening a door and being on top of a cliff and falling over. Tumblimg helplessly into oblivion. Embrace this nerve pumping fear and live a little.. Or live a lot actually. A whole lot. Live for the people in the graveyards who couldnt live for it all and live for the child in you that yearns to be let lose. Live for all of them and live a whole lot.
And he will never be what you were to me. He will never hold me the way you did. Never make me shiver with his touch like yours did. He will never be able to make my laugh till my lungs are out paced and my belly aching from the laughter. He will never hold me late at night talking about everything and nothing. He will never tell me that Im being an annoying pain in the ass like you always did. He will never call me in the middle of the night after that terrifying dream that He just had.
So when you see me walking down the street, hand in hand with him, laughing carelessly at something he just saw or heard, remember that you your chance and you blew it. You could’ve been here holding my hand and jumping with me and holding a warm cup of coffee on a cold morning but you friggin blew it. So stand back and watch me leave knowing all the while that if it came down to picking, I would always pick you. Always. But you never stood for the picking. You never turned around and came back.