Broken Things

“You don’t understand. Please, step back. I’m actually a gigantic, walking “Warning! Hazard Ahead” Sign and you should be able to read this. I thought that you were smart enough. ”

He laughed, not like it was funny but at the absurdity of this whole situation. Two months ago, he didn’t even know who he was and now he was standing still but somehow still tumbling on his thoughts. Constantly thinking about this girl who had somehow gone on to define him.. who had cleared his fuzzy view and made him see him for himself after the longest time and this was all he had ever wanted. It came a bit early in his life but he didn’t mind it, not one bit. And now, here he was, offering everything he had and everything he would ever go on to achieve to this Beautiful Girl and she wouldn’t budge. She wouldn’t take him and end his misery.  He was getting so tired of these excuses and these lies and the little ways in which she pushed him so far away; almost as if she liked it when he was far away. But he knew better.. he wanted to be right now more than ever.

He said, “What don’t I get? That you’re fucked up? Well aren’t we all. Its always someone, the brother, the dad, the mother. There is always someone who breaks us a little on the inside and as we grow up, the breaking gets harder to fix and the cracks run deeper than the surface and there’s only so much glue and tape and pins that can hold messes together. And we grow up and older and we try to push these things away in a little corner that we often revisit, but for the most of the day, we shove them aside and kind of learn to live with the little good that we did see.” He held her by the arms, looked her in the eye and said, “It’s okay, we are all broken. I am broken too. Maybe not as much but a little bit. Now come, lets find all the broken places and touch them so we can be a part of each other’s broken memories and maybe that will make this better.”

She looked at him. These words made sense. His words make complete sense.. but she didn’t think that he deserved to witness this much sadness and darkness. ” No, but you don’t understand. It gets really dark in my head sometimes. There are times that I cry when nothing’s wrong and there are times when I lay in bed for hours thinking of the future and the past and everything in between and I am paralysed by my own thoughts and I don’t eat and I don’t sleep and it gets very dark and lonely and that’s something i don’t ever want you to have to see or go through with. This head of mine, it loses itself in a labyrinth made my itself and I am not in charge anymore and I want to make this stop but I can’t and you shouldn’t have to step in right now.

He looked at her and said, “Im ready and I want to step in. I want to touch the cracks and the scars. Take your time. Show me bit by bit, but my condition is  show me. Show me and don’t back down for an actual shot at something here. Don’t back down and if you want to talk or someone to cry with or someone to lay down with, I am your guy. “

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Will I see you there?

I’ll see you at the beginning;

In between stolen glances and words which were mine even before you uttered them. Where your gorgeous eyes were only looking for mine. Somewhere in  between the slight brushing of the hands and the times where I would go back home and hold my hand against my heart and hear the loudest beats. Somewhere in between the words unsaid and the smiles that were intended for me and me only.

I’ll see you somewhere in my dreams where you would lay next to me and hold my hand and make me feel like all the stars in the sky were ours and the light from them was enough to keep us alive. And in that moment we felt like conquerers, where all of the world was ours and we were enough for all of its might. In that moment, your hand was all the power I needed to feel like that no unknown was scarier to break us down.

I will see you somewhere, where  all the songs were about you and all the words reminded me of you and your gorgeous hair and the feeling where my heart actually felt like it had left my body and was floating above in the sky and had left me down here to deal with the chaotic mess that I so often was around you.  I’ll see you somewhere, some where distant, somewhere far away from here, somewhere where we know no one and no one knows us. Of the past that we had or the life that we want to have. Somewhere where I sing in the morning and you hold my hand and dance with me. Somewhere, where our eyes meet and we instantly smile because this is it and somehow even though it shouldn’t be, you were my first and you were enough and I was enough for you.

 

But right now, you are yours and I am mine and we aren’t enough anymore.. We will take a while to get there, to be there, to find or way into the walls of the house that we may someday have, Into the wooden floors and the glass windows… We’ll get there soon. Just not now.

Holding on and Letting Go.

He sighed, exasperated after multiple trials and exhausted after no new discoveries from her part. She was getting harder to read, or maybe he was just getting more timid by the day. Who could blame him? She was too much to take in and every new discovery left him faded.

He tried once more. “What are you so afraid of? I’m here and I will always be here. Why can’t you see that?”

She looked at him long and hard. Then sighed. Looked down at her hands and start fiddling with her hair, never meeting his eyes. “I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of the rush and the pleasure. I’m afraid of not ever being able to love after you. I’m scared that I’ll give you too much.. all of it and when you leave, I’ll have none of me and everything of you and you’ll have all of me and all of you. How am I supposed to ever move past that? How am i ever supposed to pick myself back up and move forward and search for future endeavours? How am I ever supposed to go ahead and start new adventures and find new loves?”

She was almost crying. He ran towards her and enveloped her his my arms. “Why do you say ‘when’ I leave? Who said that I’m leaving? I’m not going anywhere. I’m here and I will take all of you and you will take all of me and we will both have way too much of either one of us and that is how we will live.”

 

2 years since, he had left, without any explanation.

They always leave.

Snippets (1)

If you ask me to, I’d say yes to anything Love. I’ll cross oceans and travel a thousand miles to be with you. If you ask me, I’ll move mountains and tress. I’ll cross bridges and burn walls to be near you. Why don’t you see that as I stand before you; holding my heart in my palm, offering it to you with every ounce of being that I have. Can you not see this?

The Little Lover’s Quest.

I’m standing all the way here and you are all the way there and I’m just admiring you in your niche. I am standing so close but you seem to be in a galaxy of your own. You are so comfortable in your skin and that is so magnificent. Your eyes are far away looking at the horizon and your ears are soaking up the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and all I can do is stand here and look at you and just stare. Wonderstruck and in complete awe of what you are and who I have fallen in love with.And all I can I think is that What are the universe’s strange plans for us that they brought a mermaid to an ordinary fisher. They brought the whole galaxy at the feet of an astronomer and a the whole fucking world at my feet and I don’t know how carefully or recklessly to treat you. Do I let you free or do I keep you all to myself? Do I lose myself into your mystical worlds or do I stay on earth and keep us both grounded?

And all these questions are just reminders of exactly why we are together. How you can just stand and look into the horizon and seem like a frickin mermaid to me and all that is stopping me from wrapping you in my arms and kissing every inch of your body is the fact that the wind is blowing your hair away from your face and your chin is highlighted and all pointy in the end of it is on display and the mole right next to your eye is somehow clearer and all these little details are driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do with all of them. You are too much in one all at once and I wasn’t expecting this in my everyday life and you came and you stood on the same square of a tile that I had been on for the past decade and you shook the ground beneath me and you showed me that there was room to move around and I didn’t know how much I needed this until you showed me.

But I guess all I’m trying to tell you is that You are too much and in front of you, I feel weak and unworthy. And Im standing all the way when you turn and smile at me and start walking towards me and I am alright. Just like that. There is no place I’d rather be and no one I’d be with. I am shaking my head and smiling at how a man like me could ever take in a woman like you let alone get bored by you.

 

I’ll be there for You. These five words I swear to You.

And I will wait through the rainy clouds and the stormy night. Outside your door step; drenched and cold. I will wait for you to open your door and let down the high walls that go far beyond the welcome mat of your house. I will wait because that is what I am willing to do for the rest of my life. I will wait this out and keep waiting until you let me in once and for all. 

Watch my relentless love outside your door step, through your water stained window. Raise those blinds and open that damn front door. I will walk in and never leave like the others did. I will never leave when the tide is high and the time is tough.

How many times are you willing to deny this love of mine? 

Wake up. I have been waiting for you. 

May you look around to find yourself amidst raindrops and wildflowers. May the wind be with you and may you to dance and tap and sing to its tune. May your songs be as bright as you are and may your days be echoing with laughter. May your smiles reach your ears and bring a twinkle to your eyes and may it soothe everyone around you. May your life bring you everything that you have wanted, wished and prayed for. May it give you everything that you have wanted.. And more. May there never be a moment of sorrow that lasts for far too long. May you jump out of bed, rather than drag your legs through the rug. May you be the shot of espresso that everyone needs in the morning, to feel that jolt of exhilaration. May you be surrounded with loved ones always, for all of your moments of sheer happiness and hopeless disappointments. I pray that your life be a series of adventures and mishaps. May you Fall and Rise and Fall Again and most importantly; May you Smile through it all. 

  

If You Could See That I’m the One Who Understands You; been here all Along. (Her) 

I was there today, just like I was there every other day. I was doing all the things that were expected of me. I was laughing at the right times, I was nodding when needed, I was apologizing, consoling, giggling and doing everything that I hadbeen doing  for the past coupleof  months or so. But my eyes just wouldn’t cooperate anymore. 

They were looking for him. Always looking for him. On entering this giant room, I always felt so belittled. I felt small and minute and looking at him.. Looking For him made me want to wrap myself around him and not feel little and alone anymore. 

He had the most compassionate eyes which I had had the pleasure of meeting only a bunch of times.. Sadly, the samecouldn’t  be said about meeting Him.  I had summoned the courage a billion times. I had even stopd behind him, trying to give the words in my throat a voice. But somehow, I always found myself fumbling and backing away. He had such a strong aura around him. He seemed so put together, so .. content with the way that he was. And I could never get past how foolish he’d think I was if he knew me. 

We had seen each other in these extravagant parties quite often but never said a word to one another. Little did he know, that I wanted to exchange about a gazillion words per minute, to him. I wanted to talk and laugh and smile at him forever.  I could picture us, sitting on the carpeted floor in a little corner, against a wall and talkkng for hours and hours about anything under the sun. I could see Us.. Him and I together. 

I wish our eyes would meet once again, and when they do, I hope they do the talking for me. I hope they tell you that I’m waiting for you. I’m wishinh that you come over here and sweep me away into the little library in the attic and you tell all your fears and doubts. I hope you tell me about your mother and your first high school sweetheart. I hope you look into my eyes and tell me that you’ve been pining over me like I have for you. 
Tell me that this could be real.. That this IS real. 

Here I was again Tonight, Forcing Laughter, Faking Smiles. Same Old Tired Lonely Faces. (Him)

Here we were, in the same room, under the light of the very same  chandelier that we had been for the past 3 and a half months,  that seemed to be shedding all of its light away from me and somehow taking all to you, Always to you. And I couldn’t help but wonder… how we could meet so often and not know one another at all. Well, at least on your part.

I seemingly, had memorised every detail of you that I could possibly soak in the mere four hours we got to be in the same room. I had managed to sneak as many looks as I could when I’m not busy making small conversation about the most irrelevant of things.. when I could just be staring at you.

As I see you, once again; across of sea of people; smiling and nodding at all the right times and saying all the right things to the right people, I am in awe of how beautiful you are with every movement that you make. Your delicate fingertips make everything they touch turn into gold; well not like Midas.  Just the kind of poetic gold that seems to shine right on  your forehead, onto your nose and to your beautiful neck.. where it rests, showing you off to the massive room of people who cannot get enough of you as it is.  Everyone around you somehow seems duller in contrast and the room that we stand in seems to be in awe of you too. The lights hits your face at all the right angles and accentuate your sharp chin and your soft, thin lips. It brings out the glint in your chocolate brown eyes and makes one wonder what the mischief in them is all about. They always seem to be dancing.. as though searching for something.

And for the umpteenth time, I hoped that they were looking for me. That even with a sea of people around you, practically worshipping you, I hope that your eyes are looking for me.. wanting to meet another pair of eyes with the same mischief and magic. I pine for our eyes to meet and to make the instant connection that I always hoped that we would find.

I hope to find you in this room a hundred more times and I hope, against all odds and all logic that there is a time where I find you in here, all alone. And I hope that you stand right beneath this massive glass ball and stare at me.. and see that I’ve been here all this while, waiting for you to notice.. to look across this giant room filled strangers and see that I am here.. that I’ve always been here.

How can two eyes never meet and still somehow know the fate?

Nothing More, but Never Quite Enough. #Excerpt2

“You talk a big talk but can you walk as big?” She smirked and asked him expecting him to be equally cocky; if not more.

He answered, knowing exactly where this was going, “How many times do I need to tell you that that I will flirt with a thousand girls and I will even smile at them in a way that will make them believe that I am the man for them and some day I will take them to a far away land with rainbows and unicorns and beautiful flowers and exotic weather, but that eventually I will wind back to this beautiful face of yours  and this enchanting laugh of yours that makes me want to say silly things all the time, only to hear the sound of that  gurgling laughter of yours over and over again. That when I’m with you all I can think of what about you shall I be able to take in today? What about you will I go home and recall because it is all too overwhelming, Your smile, your eyes, your lips, your hands.. they are all a little too much for one person to hold. And all I’m really doing is trying to pass away the time that I have on my hands before it is finally time for Us.”

She laughed out loud, knowing where this conversation was leading, precisely where it led to all the time. But somewhere deep down but paradoxically quite on the surface, she felt a little hope surging through. Even though she knew all of his mind tricks and his mantra’s and his cute little smirk and that face he had when he was mid smiling and laughing and his ‘I need to ruffle my hair every five seconds because the human race will seize to exist if I don’t,’ she knew that there was something about them.. about her that made him want to be more than just the person he was and the things he always kept saying held some meaning… At least she wanted to believe that they did. She wanted to hold on to every word and wanted to think of the little things that happened during the time that he was speaking. The way his nose twitched or the way that his hair looked extra brown this evening or the fact that his voice had seemed quite sincere for the first time this evening. She wanted to believe more than anything that this was real and some day they would stop laughing at this and actually look each other in the eyes and say all these things with all the meaning that they held. She desperately wanted to believe that there was some truth to all this.

She looked up at him and saw him staring right back at her. She looked, really hard and searched for the truth. She wanted him to say this to her over and over again. She wanted to say all the things that she had been mashing down. All the feelings that had been brimming for so long but all she could say was, “So basically, I’m on a waiting list, precisely on the END of the waiting list. Gee, thanks.”

He started laughing, really shaking and laughing, so whole heartedly that she couldn’t help but laugh with him and they laughed as loud and as manically as they always did. They laughed at the regular occurrence of this conversation and how every time, it took a new turn and a few layers were peeled back, but never all of them. And maybe they laughed to numb the pain that they both felt every time they talked about this, and how neither one of them was brave enough to say the truth.

And somewhere, in between the laughing and the commenting.. there was a brief moment of truth where he held on to her hand; sudden and fast and he squeezed tight, as if trying to assure her that he would come back for her, over and over again.

And just like that the moment passed and they were back to being best friends again, nothing more.. and never quite enough.