I hope you look back and think of all the memories that we shared as fond ones. I hope that you are able to smile when you think of a joke we shared, or a punch line I cracked. I hope you eat strawberries and are instantly reminded of how I like them sour and tongue tingling. I hope you watch a sappy, romantic comedy and immediately want to pick up your phone and text me about all the loopholes in the plot lines. I hope you drive over that bridge at 3 am and want nothing more than talk to me about life and its continous mysteries.
I hope that one day, you can look back and think of Us without Flinching. Without any vengence or poison.
I hope that one day you look back and think of us as an experience.. As an opportunity.. As a gift.
And I hope that.. Someday when our paths cross and our eyes meet, you are able to smile at me and realize that you had forgiven me a long time ago.
I wanted her to know that I knew that she was trying to get back on her feet after the last time. I wanted her to know that I saw through her flaky, pasty smile. I saw through those little moments where she tried to hide away looks of pain in between tugging her hair behind her ears. I wanted her to know even though I wasn’t there at that point in her life and I didn’t even know her then, I beat myself everyday over why I didn’t protect her. Why I didn’t save her when she needed saving most. Where was I? I tried to recall and pin down to the exact things that I was doing a year ago and I try to picture how different life would have been to her and how much I would have sheltered her from.
I wanted her to know that He may have ruined her, but she possessed within herself the power to put back all of her pieces and stand her ground with her two feet. I wanted her to know that the one thing that fairytales so often didn’t mention was that a Prince isn’t needed to rescue the Princess. That the Princess can do it all by herself. She just needs to stop waiting.
I want her to know that she is beautiful.. beyond words and beyond any explanation. I want her to look at herself in the mirror and not look down sheepishly. I want her to stand tall and look at herself and see that there is beauty in that reflection. Beauty in those tears and those sad eyes. Knowing that you will emerge after all this, stronger. Beauty in the hope that you can get past this. I want her to know that I will keep standing on this side of the door and keep waiting for as long as it takes for her to discover the wings and the fire that she has within her. I wanted her to know that she is kind. She is kind to the extent where you might even think that she is plotting against you. But she is wonderfully kind. She is so, so very talented and eccentric in all the little things that she does. I wish that one day, she sees herself exactly the way I see her.
I want her to know that I will be there every single time. And I will disappoint her and sometimes even hurt her, but I will never walk out, slamming doors and yelling blood. We will stay and we will get through this. And I will wait.
I want her to believe that she will always have me to count on and that I will wait. And I will wait until she discovers that she is meant to be there for herself before she can be there for anyone else. I will wait until she sees that after all this is over and she is ready to take the world and the wanderlust, that I will be there.
Until then, I will be on the other side of this door. I will remind her that I am not like the ones that left her crying by herself inside a big house with no one to hear her sobs and her screams. I want her to know that if I could, I would be on the same side of the door with her.
He hadn’t called her once since he left. He didn’t contact any of her friends or even try to make amends. He walked away like it was his own goddamn right. She couldn’t believe that she was going through this. She didn’t know how she summoned the energy to ever get back up again. She didn’t know how her prince charming had left her feeling like a damsel in distress. He was supposed to rescue her and he left her stranded in that high tower.
And for the first time in a long time she realised that she had relied on someone else to be her hero for far too long. She had forgotten that she had the ability to summon all the power she needed to be her hero. She realised that no matter who it was, people would always let you down and it would hurt as you grew up because you do everything in your power to not get hurt and to only put your heart in a certain few’s fragile hands and they always, always dropped it. So she decided that this time was the last time that she would let anyone walk over her, through her, like she didn’t matter at all. She would establish that she was everything that she needed to be without anyone and only then would she allow into her life. And if anyone cannot understand that, they deserved be on the other side of the door.
And then there was banging. Loud banging. Someone was anxious to get in. Who was it this time? Someone from a new book or the recurring characters?
Run. Run as fast as you can and as far away as you can. I know that everyone says that you can’t run away from your feelings and your heartbreak and the betrayal and the Truth. Oh the haunting truth and the dirty little secrets that the truth unveils.
But I refuse to agree. Run. Run from it all and when you can’t run anymore. Hide. Hide from everyone who thinks that it is going to get better and experiences like these only teach you to be more cautious next time. Because no matter how much they think they know and no matter what they have been through, what you are going through right now is the greatest struggle of all. And at the moment, you are entitled ro running away and hiding from the world. As cowardly as it may seem, you need to do this for yourself. You need to let this feeling sink in and feel the taste of the betrayal. That the truth, as much as it may hurt; it can never stay hidden for long. That the life you once saw yourself living, isn’t possible anymore. That you will possibly take forever to recover from the trauma that you have been through.
And to do this, you need to run away. You need to run away and make up your mind. Decide what comes next. Get your priorities straight and start all over again. And to do so, running away is essential. You can either do it when the wounds are fresh and the cuts are open, or you can do this when you have decided that you need to build yourself up again from the ground and the only way to do so is taking some time off.
So I say Run.