You walk past me, to me and stand right next to me. You stand without a word and I know it. I can feel your smile creeping onto your face and it reaching your eyes and traveling down to your shoulders, where yours ends and mine begins and this smile latches onto to my face and my muscles instinctively know what to do and they smile not knowing why or when or for what but they do as they are told (or not told) and we are both smiling and I look up at him and say, “Why? Why are we always doing this?”
He laughed, a long hearty laugh that arises from the heart, travels upward to the throats and comes out as a gurgle of water in a river bed and I burst into giggles and this is how it’s always been . Easy. Nothing with him was ever torture or lamenting or waiting. It was easy and straightforward and if there was a problem it would be sorted with ease.
This is US. This has always been Us. Its been magic and tragic. Chaos and Wonder and through it all, I’ve worn heels and flats and boots and skates and I’ve run and fallen and jumped and screamed and He’s worn a jacket and a sweater and woollen gloves and gone three days without being able to find his clothes and I’ve laughed and cried and he’s held me close and laughed with me, at me, for me and I’ve stayed here wondering what went wrong and what went right and it’s been easy and maniac but would you look back and want anything different?
He looks down and says, “Why not? We are not here for the Forevers and Always. We are not here to write the perfect little passage on roses and blooms. On becomings and un-becomings. We are not here to do exactly as we are told and to bow when needed to break our backs for the rest. We are to blaze fire as we stand and melt glaciers as we breathe. We are here to live on impulse and the magic that is created with the friction of you and I. We are here to scream at the top of our lungs and shout from the highest peak of a mountain, to run a thousand beats per second and to laugh with no need and to let the tears flood when there is a need and that is what we are here for.
We are not here for the happy ending, we are here for the Goddamn Story.
“At arm’s length. All problems need to be at arm’s length. There should be nothing that should prevent me from taking care of Myself and putting Myself before anyone else. That is why, it has all Got to be, It is almost imperative for all problems to be at arm’s length and that is the only way that I choose to live this life of mine. Its mine and I choose to put myself above the toxic and cruel nature of words that go around being carried out by thin air and noise that resonates from a source far away into my ears and that is what I will prevail against. All of these vicious words and these horrible noises will be exactly and Only that. They will not become my problems and they will not hinder with my being and they will not prevent me from waking up every morning with a goal and a will to live. I will not let this drag my feet down and want to curl back into bed, where oblivion was really Bliss.
I will prevail and they will be at arm’s length. My arm’s length is where everything useless and toxic shall stay. “
I think endings are so overrated. The fact that good things come to an end is the only certainty that we have in life. This isn’t an epiphany and this isn’t the greatest discovery in life. But Beginnings come unannounced and leave you in the midst of your life and these are things that are far more frightening than endings. Because often times, endings are held up by expectations and beginnings are tied with oblivion.
And the messiness and the uncertainty of beginnings is so underrated. The fact that you could have met someone today and be married to them 10 years down the road is the most bizarre and truly astonishing thing. Beginnings are filled with zero expectations and no hopes tied to it and that is quite a blessing.
I want to write to you, I want to write of you and I want to write about you. I want these words to be on paper. I want these words that I have swallowed and crushed so deep within my soul that they are now just ashes and burn wounds- to come out, out into the open and I want to leave them here for you. I want them to lie here open and unaware; open for you and everyone to read over but most importantly for you to memorize them and remember each word. Know that these words were written for none other than you. These words belong far more to you than they ever did to me. These words were yours even when they were in my head. These are for you memorize and for you to remember. Remember every curve and every edge of every alphabet that I have painted with my soul.. is just for you.
I want the sound of paper against pen and pen against paper to be the only sound that I remember for that will be the heartbeat upon which these words were written and you shall be the muse for whom these were written. I want the friction of pen against paper to create a sort of fire that burns all the bad that you have ever witnessed and ignites a fire so big that only I can contain it.
I want the words to flow and flow and I want your fingers to follow every word of what I write here to you and for you and only about you for these words will probably be the last meaningful that I write for a while.
I want my words to be the only words that you remember once you’ve finished reading. I want my stories and my whispers echoing in your head when you lie awake and uneasy at 3 AM. I want it to be and me only. I am selfish like that but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
A sea of memories, an ocean of people. A thousand stolen moments and a gazillion smiles shared across rooms. About a billion reasons to stay and a few thousand more to leave and here we are, two years later; forever living in the past and in the moments we created that have now turned into golden memories that will somehow never return.
Home no more has a soothing effect. It is no more comforting. It does not cocoon me into a blanket of “take care” and “Its good to have you back; I missed you” But is a constant reminder of a life that I once used to live. Home is no more safe and warm; it is a constant reminder of the past and the choices that we made to leave and not look back.
I am forever living in nostalgia and the waves and pangs of hurt and grief and the tears that I’m always choking down and the thoughts that I’m always pushing aside and the reasons that I’m never really addressing and the words on my tongue that I’m always biting back and the hugs and sobs that I’m forever yearning for but never asking; never saying too much; never letting the mask of “okay-ness” slip away. Never letting you know that home is no more a sanctuary but a rude awakening; a reminder of everything that I ever wanted to leave behind but as I step foot into this place called home, I am pulled back into moments and memories that I didn’t even know my heart could store and places and people that I didn’t think would stay with me for so long. I am forever longing for the feeling that i used to have in the bottom of my stomach and in the heart of my heart. I am craving the laughter that I haven’t had in a while and I am craving the feeling of being surrounded by the faces that i grew up with and the places that remind me of another that i did once live and will never live again.
I am standing here; crumbling. I am sitting here, constantly falling apart. My existence is coming lose and undone and my thoughts an amalgamation of overwhelming sadness and grief that I didn’t know a heart could retain. My mind is a fuzzy mess of beginnings and endings the betweens that brought me joy at one time but are now only a bridge between the now and the then.
I am coming lose, undone and broken. I standing weak and falling and breaking. I am here and now I am not. I was and I am. I will be and I wont ever.
Of the few pleasures in life that I was entitled to, laying beside you wide my arms wide open and my eyes tight shut; I realized how truly magnificient it was to hear you snore softly throughout the night, almost as if you were purring. It struck to me, not for the first time that beauty isnt all smiles and laughter, its the knowledge that you can sleep through the night and that my arms will always welcome you and my heart is no more a stranger to yours and this tranquility, these beautiful moments that I seize onto and snatch away from life what life can’t snatch away from me, will get me through the rest of my life.
Here I Stand. Relaying my words to you, reading out my story to you. Here I stand. Writing down all the words that I have ever known and all the stories that these two eyes have seen and all of the hearts that these two hands have held and all of the tears that have been shed from these eyes into these hands and have brushed against crumbled skirts and loose sleeves and have been shed for once and for all; never again.
Here I lay, beneath the open sky and on a patch of grass that isn’t the greenest. Here I lay and here I lay to tell you that the worse is yet to come and the best is always looming behind it. Here I lay to tell you that no matter what colour the grass is, as long you’re laying on it and you’re laying long enough to tell your story, You are enough. That is all that matters.
Here I sprint. Sprint away from all that has ever haunted me and all that will forever take away from me and all that has little bits and pieces of me and all that owns me. Here, I run away from them onto a place which accepts my broken and incomplete self because all that is broken does not need mending but healing. And all that is shattered will rise from the deepest browns of the earth and will fall upon you from the highest realms of these skies.
Here I fly, fly into the starry sky which has never once failed to awe me. These starry skies are my kryptonite and I shall never ask of you to come with me but if you may, my hand is held open and my heart’s doors always creak open for you.
Here I stop. Stop right in front of you and stop only for a brief moment. I ask you, “Are you here? Are you alive? Do you feel your heart racing and your body tingling and your ears thrumming with the beats of a new tomorrow? Does your mind say yes to your body? Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to go up up and away?”
Here I wait, Not for long, but I shall patiently and keenly wait for the greatest question of them all, “Here I am before you, Am I enough?”
“Have we met before?” You asked, with a hint of smile in your voice and your hands trying to find my hair to play with. I kept my eyes closed and smiled, and nodded my head. He had found the perfect strands to play with and I was letting him; even though I hated having my hair touched. I let him.
“I think.. I think that I have met you before. Somewhere so beautiful. It’s Yellow and Purple and the sky is the Bluest shade of blue there is and the sun is out and so are your shades and your wearing white because white has always been your colour and in a field of poppies or daisies.. or lavenders.. you knew that white could not hide. Do you remember meeting me there?” He had now found my shoulders and was drawing circles on them whilst tracing soft touches along my neck and my spine.
I didn’t know if I was dreaming of if he was dreaming and I was part of his dream, but I wanted to hear more and I could wake up from this. I let him stroke me and I smiled again and whispered, “I don’t think we’ve met. I don’t think that that was when we met. I think you saw me in a dream.”
He laughed, so low and soft that if I wasn’t lying so close to him, I probably would’ve just thought that he had exhaled. But he laughed and placed his hand on my face. He said, “But you are my dream. You are the one that I have dreamed about. These moments with you are what dreams are made of.”
I opened my eyes and our eyes finally met for the first time that night, and he was right,
We had met before.
.I sense a change. I sense the change that is taking over us. This change is in the wind. I can feel it in your presence but so much more in your absence.
You’re not there anymore. I look around.. And You’re not there anymore. Not asking me how my day went. or making me laugh or sitting across from me and texting me or flashing me a smile across the room or just sitting in silence with me.
You’re not there anymore. You’re not around. You took a step back.. a few steps too back and there’s not a lot left for us left for us with you standing all the way there and me standing all the way here waiting. This distance between us engulfs me and drowns me in only one word.
“It makes sense you know, the way you are and the way you look at things; they way they should be versus the way that they are. This actually isn’t that hard to comprehend once I understand where you’re coming from. You’re a whole lot of.. actually the sum of all of your memories. A collection of all the years and the memories and the moments and the places and things and feelings all at once; a manifestation of all of the years of your life in one. You are are this one tiny little human being holding onto the weight of a thousand Yesterday’s that you wish you’d have never had and you are the constant surge of hope and possibility for a tomorrow that you do not know of. But do you realize what’s wrong?
Darling, you are not in Today. You are here standing in front of me but you are not standing in front of me. In your mind’s eye, you are in that resort that you visited three years ago with your little sisters and you are also on that field with the wild ducks chasing after you and you yelping and screaming out of fear and humour. You need to be here, my love. I know that the possibility of a tomorrow is the best one that we have been given and I understand that some Yesterday’s outlive us our whole lives but what you need to realize is that none of them have the power that you hold right now. You right here hold the most supreme power of them all; you possess Change. You possess the ever lasting ability to stand your ground and sway with the wind and dance to the tunes that only you hear and sing to a bee song. You right here are Right Here. Say those words out loud and let them sink in so far deep within, that you can’t forget hem even if you tried.
And if someday’s your Today becomes hard to live through then know that the comfort and solace of my arms will forever await your embrace and they will hold you close until sundown and sunrise again; where we shall start a new possibility together; maybe.