I am coming loose, undone, broken.

A sea of memories, an ocean of people. A thousand stolen moments and a gazillion smiles shared across rooms. About a billion reasons to stay and a few thousand more to leave and here we are, two years later; forever living in the past and in the moments we created that have now turned into golden memories that will somehow never return.

Home no more has a soothing effect. It is no more comforting. It does not cocoon me into a blanket of “take care” and “Its good to have you back; I missed you” But is a constant reminder of a life that I once used to live. Home is no more safe and warm; it is a constant reminder of the past and the choices that we made to leave and not look back.

I am forever living in nostalgia and the waves and pangs of hurt and grief and the tears that I’m always choking down and the thoughts that I’m always pushing aside and the reasons that I’m never really addressing and the words on my tongue that I’m always biting back and the hugs and sobs that I’m forever yearning for but never asking; never saying too much; never letting the mask of “okay-ness” slip away. Never letting you know that home is no more a sanctuary but a rude awakening; a reminder of everything that I ever wanted to leave behind but as I step foot into this place called home, I am pulled back into moments and memories that I didn’t even know my heart could store and places and people that I didn’t think would stay with me for so long. I am forever longing for the feeling that i used to have in the bottom of my stomach and in the heart of my heart. I am craving the laughter that I haven’t had in a while and I am craving the feeling of being surrounded by the faces that i grew up with and the places that remind me of another that i did once live and will never live again.

I am standing here; crumbling. I am sitting here, constantly falling apart. My existence is coming lose and undone and my thoughts an amalgamation of overwhelming sadness and grief that I didn’t know a heart could retain. My mind is a fuzzy mess of beginnings and endings the betweens that brought me joy at one time but are now only a bridge between the now and the then.

I am coming lose, undone and broken. I standing weak and falling and breaking. I am here and now I am not. I was and I am. I will be and I wont ever.

 

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