They don’t know about Us. 

“We dont have to be vile and toxic and poisonous and infectious. We dont have to be metastasizing like a tumor, spreading like a terminal disease. You know, we could be like the thousand others before us who fell in love. Why doesn’t anyone see that?” 

“Well, Maybe its because, they know better. They know that love.. It doesn’t last. Maybe that is why they want to warn you. Protect you.. Shelter you from all the heartbreak and the years of emotional pain you have to go through before you can learn to stand on your own two feet.” 

“But why would I want it to be painless? Why would I want the best experience of my life to come with all things good? Beacause when its all too good, whats the point? What’s the point when its all presented on a silver platter with neat little handkerchiefs and cutlery andshiny ornaments   and beautiful hydranges and a massive chandelier illuminating the whole room when I could have a rusty old cabin and work my way upwards. When I could celebrate every little victory and every huge downfall. When I could rise and fall with the one I love and fear absolutely nothing.. But everything. The rush.. The blood coursing through my veins.. My heart beating faster than usual. That is what I want.. Forever.

And they can label it whatever they want to, but really if Im being honest, Love is all of that. 

Whoever said it was Roses and Rainbows and Star lit skies and butterflies  and beautiful mountains was probably in love for far lesser than I have been and let me tell you, Its so much more.” 

Can’t Keep My Hands to Myself.

Give me something to hold on to. Give me something worth remembering. Give me something that I can hold close to me while you are gone. Give me more than just the memories of our kisses and laugher. Our late nights and even later mornings. Give me the smell of your coffee mouth against mine. Give me more than just the reminder of your touch. And the feeling of your skin against mine. Give me more than the gentle but constant reminder of your lips on mine and your hands traveling everywhere on my body. Give me your scent after a shower and your cold body after a hot shower. Give me the feel of coming home to you. Give me the reminder of your presence and the certainty of your return. Give me the soothing feeling of your strong arms when they wrap around me, always redefining  home to me.  Give me your whispers telling me that its gonna be alright.

 

Give me more.

A Force to be Reckoned With. 

There are dreams in her head and in her body relies the power and the courage and the determination to make the dreams of Yesterday, the Reality of Tomorrow. She is blazing with Fire and Thunder and you can try to shoot her down but she will get back up and come back again and again.

You can tell her to stop and show her the easier way and you can try to talk her out of whatever reckless decision that she is making and she will do it anyway. Because at least that way, this is on her. That she is responsible for all her actions. She is accountable for her decisions and she is ready to take that on her.

So why do you want to be in her crosshairs? Why do you wanna extinguish her flame? Why can’t you let her make her mistakes and her choices and let her face her truths and demons?

Because I sure as hell know that she is strong enough.

Excerpt from the Book I hope to Write. #1

And once again he found himself  in a big room filled with noisy people in every corner and the music booming through every inch of it. The noise was sort of deafening; like being in a room and hearing noise but feeling like it was an illusion; that it was actually silent. He didn’t even know why he went there that night or who he was looking for. All he knew was that he needed to get out of the house. It had been two months and 4 days since and it was time that he put himself out there, even if it was physically if not emotionally. She had left and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He greeted a few friends and wound back into the spot that he now claimed as his, after standing still in it for two hours. After another hour of meaningless chit chat and catching up he decided that he was done for the night. With his  keys dangling in his hands, he walked back to his jeep when he stopped dead in his tracks.

She was laughing, with her mouth open and her eyes closed. She was holding onto a friend’s shoulder because of how loud she was laughing. When she was done, she stood there holding her stomach and the smile lingering. And that’s when He really saw her eyes. They didn’t sparkle in the moonlight anymore. They didnt tell stories. They didn’t show the galaxies anymore. All they did was see. And that was the saddest thing that can ever happen to a person.

He knew that this had been hard on both of them, but seeing her eyes like that just brought back all the details, all of them just spiraling down to that one day when it happened and it was as though it yesterday …

“I can’t do this right now. Right now is not the time for you and I be to be an Us. Its time for you to be you and me to be me. Why is it so hard for you to see that?”

He was so frustrated and bewildered at the same time. “How could you possibly expect me to understand that? I am who I am when I am with you. Why is that so hard to believe? Why is that not enough for us to be Us? We have been together for over a year, why is this only striking you now?”

She was crying now. She knew how much he hated when she cried. The tears were streaming down her face, to her nose, around her lips and down to her throat and he resisted the urge to wipe them away and hold her till she stopped sobbing. He couldn’t see her that way anymore. “I need to be me without being associated to you. I want to discover myself before I give up any more of me to you. But I am scared.. Because I have already given you everything of me there ever was and right now, I dont even know who I am anymore…

You need to understand that right now I need to be something to myself before I can be anything or everything to you at all. I need to be Me without any hindrance. And As much I hate to say this.. You are a hindrance in my growing. I’m not saying that I cannot bloom with you, its just that I dont’t bloom to my full potential because I dont even know what My full potential is.. I need to put myself above you and Although I still haven’t figured out how, I would love to know. ”

He stood there stunned. Because the reality of it all struck all the chords within him and it made him realize that as much it sucked to be in that position on that day, he knew that this was something that he needed to do too. It would take a while, maybe even years but they needed to do this separately.            And maybe someday, when life was less chaotic and time was in their favour and they had, atleast momentarily, settled down.. They would meet again. Their paths would cross and they would start a whole new chapter in their book.

But right now wasn’t the time and seeing her like that was the absolute worst. Seeing the magic from her eyes disappear was the saddest thing he had ever known to experience. And that is when she lifted her eyes and their eyes met somewhere in between and she smiled at him. It was a weak smile.. Like she was asking her body to cooperate and manage this one little gesture. He smiled back and he knew that this wasn’t the end for them, not Forever.

I’m Breaking Free.

I’d like to think that we are two people cut from the same cloth, destined to be on the same path and eventually find pieces of each other some where on our way. That we are two people who are supposed to come together time and time again. That life will throw us in situations where we meet at the most unexpected places. That we will pick up where we left off, like we were never apart. That the universe is forever conspiring to align our paths in order to see the fireworks and the magic that surrounds us. That when we are together, we are both twice the people than when we are alone. That, we can try to escape the massive void that builds when we are apart, only to realize that we can never go on like that for too long.

But we aren’t and sadly, we never will be. Because there is only so much heartbreak a heart can take. There’s only so many sleepless nights one can spend, sobbing and screaming and cursing their existence. There’s only so many times that smiling through the pain is possible. And I’ve done my time. I’ve had my quota of sadness and misery. I’ve had enough nights pining over you. I’ve written enough sad poetry about you. My words deserve better. These words deserve to express something other than sadness. Sad words may make for the best poetry but they make for miserable poets. And I’m through being one of them.

I am giving myself the freedom to be happy. To break free of your chains and all the restraints that bind me to you. I am burning all the words that I wrote for you because my words deserve to be written about rain and storms and beautiful forests and mountains and houses with glass walls from the ceiling to the floors. They won’t be about you anymore. They will be about me and I hope that you see this and know that it is YOU that I am breaking free from. I want you to know that this is for me and I hope you understand that I will never make it about you anymore; I deserve to direct the attention towards myself. I hope you’re okay with that and even if you’re not; this is your problem now. I no longer belong to you.

Why don’t you see, You Belong with Me.

Don’t seek me out when you are feeling alone. Don’t seek me out when you are suffocating in your solidarity and I am the only one who can help you out of your misery. Don’t look for me at 3am in the morning, when your thoughts are haunting and frightening and quite frankly; dangerous. I don’t want to be that person who helps you out of your darkest times because that just means that I am not the first person you turn to. If you only come looking for me in your sorrows then you are sharing your smiles with someone else while I’m losing my mind over how I can help you. Don’t seek me out when you need escape from the darkness that you so often enter. Don’t share your sorrows with me if you won’t laugh with me.. make me laugh. Don’t call me crying if you won’t come looking for me. 

Don’t use me as an emotional dump and expect me to be okay with that. You are not allowed to do this to me and expect me to be okay with that. Don’t do this to me, or anyone for that matter. Don’t make me stay up nights and have restless days because of all your problems. Do you not realize how much I am willing to give up for you? Do you not understand that every word you say pierces through my heart and stays there and takes over all of my day and all I want to do is drive 300 miles to where you are and hold you close until all your sorrows are mine and all my happiness is yours. How can you be so blind to my love for you? How could you not see how much of me actually belongs to you. Do you not understand that I would drop everything now and just be there, next to You? Do you not see that my eyes and nose and lips and arms and legs, all move at the pace that you want them to..? I am yours. As much as I hate it and resent myself more than anyone else, I am undeniably yours and I am helpless. I am a prisoner in the four walls that I built around you and right now, even though I want to escape this; I can’t.

I am here and I will always be here, right here for you and you fail to see this time and time again.. Why? Why am I invisible to you when you are reason for my existence? Why am I standing still while you are moving? Why am I stranded at this lonely island where I am constantly trying to be someone you would notice and you are so busy chasing all things wrong?

Little White Lies. 

And yes, some days I do back and settle down. I go back to four or five years ago. I sit down and let the memories take their toll. I don’t stop and I don’t move. I am not mine anymore. I am flooded with you and your memories. I have lost all sense of being. You have taken over me. And everything that you did … Your smile and the way you always had something silly to talk about, nothing was ever left unspoken.. There were always words in the air when you were around. How you snored and pulled me into your arms at night and how you let me wake up before you, even though you had been up for a while. I remember all the gory details and the intricate ones .. I remember all the magical moments and all the terrible ones that I wish I could erase. 

I sit and let your memories once again drag me back to five years ago and each time, I let you cloud my mind. I invite you to intoxicate me with the sound of your laughter and the feel of your touch. And every time it has the same impact and every moment seems to stretch for so long in my head, it no longer seems real. It no longer feels like reality .. And I think thats what it really was.. Something out of the clouds and fables and little white lies and somehow I still believe them.