And once again he found himself in a big room filled with noisy people in every corner and the music booming through every inch of it. The noise was sort of deafening; like being in a room and hearing noise but feeling like it was an illusion; that it was actually silent. He didn’t even know why he went there that night or who he was looking for. All he knew was that he needed to get out of the house. It had been two months and 4 days since and it was time that he put himself out there, even if it was physically if not emotionally. She had left and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. He greeted a few friends and wound back into the spot that he now claimed as his, after standing still in it for two hours. After another hour of meaningless chit chat and catching up he decided that he was done for the night. With his keys dangling in his hands, he walked back to his jeep when he stopped dead in his tracks.
She was laughing, with her mouth open and her eyes closed. She was holding onto a friend’s shoulder because of how loud she was laughing. When she was done, she stood there holding her stomach and the smile lingering. And that’s when He really saw her eyes. They didn’t sparkle in the moonlight anymore. They didnt tell stories. They didn’t show the galaxies anymore. All they did was see. And that was the saddest thing that can ever happen to a person.
He knew that this had been hard on both of them, but seeing her eyes like that just brought back all the details, all of them just spiraling down to that one day when it happened and it was as though it yesterday …
“I can’t do this right now. Right now is not the time for you and I be to be an Us. Its time for you to be you and me to be me. Why is it so hard for you to see that?”
He was so frustrated and bewildered at the same time. “How could you possibly expect me to understand that? I am who I am when I am with you. Why is that so hard to believe? Why is that not enough for us to be Us? We have been together for over a year, why is this only striking you now?”
She was crying now. She knew how much he hated when she cried. The tears were streaming down her face, to her nose, around her lips and down to her throat and he resisted the urge to wipe them away and hold her till she stopped sobbing. He couldn’t see her that way anymore. “I need to be me without being associated to you. I want to discover myself before I give up any more of me to you. But I am scared.. Because I have already given you everything of me there ever was and right now, I dont even know who I am anymore…
You need to understand that right now I need to be something to myself before I can be anything or everything to you at all. I need to be Me without any hindrance. And As much I hate to say this.. You are a hindrance in my growing. I’m not saying that I cannot bloom with you, its just that I dont’t bloom to my full potential because I dont even know what My full potential is.. I need to put myself above you and Although I still haven’t figured out how, I would love to know. ”
He stood there stunned. Because the reality of it all struck all the chords within him and it made him realize that as much it sucked to be in that position on that day, he knew that this was something that he needed to do too. It would take a while, maybe even years but they needed to do this separately. And maybe someday, when life was less chaotic and time was in their favour and they had, atleast momentarily, settled down.. They would meet again. Their paths would cross and they would start a whole new chapter in their book.
But right now wasn’t the time and seeing her like that was the absolute worst. Seeing the magic from her eyes disappear was the saddest thing he had ever known to experience. And that is when she lifted her eyes and their eyes met somewhere in between and she smiled at him. It was a weak smile.. Like she was asking her body to cooperate and manage this one little gesture. He smiled back and he knew that this wasn’t the end for them, not Forever.