Waiting, Watching, Wishing.

.I sense a change. I sense the change that is taking over us. This change is in the wind. I can feel it in your presence but so much more in your absence.

You’re not there anymore. I look around.. And You’re not there anymore. Not asking me how my day went. or making me laugh or sitting across from me and texting me or flashing me a smile across the room or just sitting in silence with me.

You’re not there anymore. You’re not around. You took a step back.. a few steps too back and there’s not a lot left for us left for us with you standing all the way there and me standing all the way here waiting. This distance between us engulfs me and drowns me in only one word.

Waiting.

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What then?

“I am yours, don’t you see that? Everything I am and everything I will ever be; that is all yours, my Love. This is all of me and now all of this is as much Yours; if not more, than it was ever mine. You might not understand, but  everything I do,  reminds me of you. Everything I see, I imagine seeing it with you. Every time i listen to good music, i think of telling you about it so we can dance to it and every time I dream a dream at night and it doesn’t have you in it, I wake up a little disappointed. I want you, I want us, all of us and all of the friggin time. It is so bizarre imagining a life before you were here and It is almost impossible to NOT have you hereafter. And I am so scared that I more Yours than I am Mine and I feel like I can never reclaim my bits from you anymore and that petrifies me because what if you don’t want some parts of me and I can’t have them back and you decide to toss out in the trash. What then?

Everyone talks about the beauty and the happiness that comes with love, but no one talks about losing yourself to the person. Nobody talks about how possessed you feel and how Powerless that makes you feel. You are not in control anymore. And the fact that I am readily giving up that control and power into your hands with the key to my heart to you is a bigger deal than you could ever possibly imagine. This isn’t me. I am not mine anymore. I am yours and I am doing what I cannot control anymore. This; Me.. Is All You.

And I am afraid. I am so afraid and I am devoid of air in my lungs.  And what if you wake up one morning and you don’t want me anymore and you decide that out there is where you belong and all I am is just a mere reminder of how much heavy weight exists in your life. And maybe you won’t ever want to see me. What then? How do I walk again? How do I ever step out again?

Holding on and Letting Go.

He sighed, exasperated after multiple trials and exhausted after no new discoveries from her part. She was getting harder to read, or maybe he was just getting more timid by the day. Who could blame him? She was too much to take in and every new discovery left him faded.

He tried once more. “What are you so afraid of? I’m here and I will always be here. Why can’t you see that?”

She looked at him long and hard. Then sighed. Looked down at her hands and start fiddling with her hair, never meeting his eyes. “I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of the rush and the pleasure. I’m afraid of not ever being able to love after you. I’m scared that I’ll give you too much.. all of it and when you leave, I’ll have none of me and everything of you and you’ll have all of me and all of you. How am I supposed to ever move past that? How am i ever supposed to pick myself back up and move forward and search for future endeavours? How am I ever supposed to go ahead and start new adventures and find new loves?”

She was almost crying. He ran towards her and enveloped her his my arms. “Why do you say ‘when’ I leave? Who said that I’m leaving? I’m not going anywhere. I’m here and I will take all of you and you will take all of me and we will both have way too much of either one of us and that is how we will live.”

 

2 years since, he had left, without any explanation.

They always leave.

Here I was again Tonight, Forcing Laughter, Faking Smiles. Same Old Tired Lonely Faces. (Him)

Here we were, in the same room, under the light of the very same  chandelier that we had been for the past 3 and a half months,  that seemed to be shedding all of its light away from me and somehow taking all to you, Always to you. And I couldn’t help but wonder… how we could meet so often and not know one another at all. Well, at least on your part.

I seemingly, had memorised every detail of you that I could possibly soak in the mere four hours we got to be in the same room. I had managed to sneak as many looks as I could when I’m not busy making small conversation about the most irrelevant of things.. when I could just be staring at you.

As I see you, once again; across of sea of people; smiling and nodding at all the right times and saying all the right things to the right people, I am in awe of how beautiful you are with every movement that you make. Your delicate fingertips make everything they touch turn into gold; well not like Midas.  Just the kind of poetic gold that seems to shine right on  your forehead, onto your nose and to your beautiful neck.. where it rests, showing you off to the massive room of people who cannot get enough of you as it is.  Everyone around you somehow seems duller in contrast and the room that we stand in seems to be in awe of you too. The lights hits your face at all the right angles and accentuate your sharp chin and your soft, thin lips. It brings out the glint in your chocolate brown eyes and makes one wonder what the mischief in them is all about. They always seem to be dancing.. as though searching for something.

And for the umpteenth time, I hoped that they were looking for me. That even with a sea of people around you, practically worshipping you, I hope that your eyes are looking for me.. wanting to meet another pair of eyes with the same mischief and magic. I pine for our eyes to meet and to make the instant connection that I always hoped that we would find.

I hope to find you in this room a hundred more times and I hope, against all odds and all logic that there is a time where I find you in here, all alone. And I hope that you stand right beneath this massive glass ball and stare at me.. and see that I’ve been here all this while, waiting for you to notice.. to look across this giant room filled strangers and see that I am here.. that I’ve always been here.

How can two eyes never meet and still somehow know the fate?