Here I Stand. Relaying my words to you, reading out my story to you. Here I stand. Writing down all the words that I have ever known and all the stories that these two eyes have seen and all of the hearts that these two hands have held and all of the tears that have been shed from these eyes into these hands and have brushed against crumbled skirts and loose sleeves and have been shed for once and for all; never again.
Here I lay, beneath the open sky and on a patch of grass that isn’t the greenest. Here I lay and here I lay to tell you that the worse is yet to come and the best is always looming behind it. Here I lay to tell you that no matter what colour the grass is, as long you’re laying on it and you’re laying long enough to tell your story, You are enough. That is all that matters.
Here I sprint. Sprint away from all that has ever haunted me and all that will forever take away from me and all that has little bits and pieces of me and all that owns me. Here, I run away from them onto a place which accepts my broken and incomplete self because all that is broken does not need mending but healing. And all that is shattered will rise from the deepest browns of the earth and will fall upon you from the highest realms of these skies.
Here I fly, fly into the starry sky which has never once failed to awe me. These starry skies are my kryptonite and I shall never ask of you to come with me but if you may, my hand is held open and my heart’s doors always creak open for you.
Here I stop. Stop right in front of you and stop only for a brief moment. I ask you, “Are you here? Are you alive? Do you feel your heart racing and your body tingling and your ears thrumming with the beats of a new tomorrow? Does your mind say yes to your body? Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to go up up and away?”
Here I wait, Not for long, but I shall patiently and keenly wait for the greatest question of them all, “Here I am before you, Am I enough?”
It may not seem like a lot, but I think about you. I think about you even when I shouldn’t and I honestly think about you a whole lot. Not in a creepy way, but in the kind of way where I can spend my whole day thinking about you and still not run out of things to think about; in the kind of way which is Consuming. just imagining the little details about your face or all of your moles or just the way that you are constantly laughing with all of your mouth just gaping open and for the world to see, making the whole room laugh around you and if you are going to live, Live in a way that is going to effect everyone around you.. live so that others have a reason to as well and live a whole and true life just for yourself.
And if you ever read this and if you ever find that you are thinking about me too, even in the slightest bit or even in the tiniest little thing that you come across in the street, then please don’t be a coward like me. please don’t just stare and wait for some hurricane to swing us into each other’s arms. Please don’t be me when you can be you and you can come and say that you think my shirt is cool or that hey, have you listened to Bastille’s take on the Scrubs or anything, but if you ever see what I do between the two of us and if I am too late by then, then please by all means, go ahed and do what I couldn’t and do what I have always wanted to.
I’ll see you at the beginning;
In between stolen glances and words which were mine even before you uttered them. Where your gorgeous eyes were only looking for mine. Somewhere in between the slight brushing of the hands and the times where I would go back home and hold my hand against my heart and hear the loudest beats. Somewhere in between the words unsaid and the smiles that were intended for me and me only.
I’ll see you somewhere in my dreams where you would lay next to me and hold my hand and make me feel like all the stars in the sky were ours and the light from them was enough to keep us alive. And in that moment we felt like conquerers, where all of the world was ours and we were enough for all of its might. In that moment, your hand was all the power I needed to feel like that no unknown was scarier to break us down.
I will see you somewhere, where all the songs were about you and all the words reminded me of you and your gorgeous hair and the feeling where my heart actually felt like it had left my body and was floating above in the sky and had left me down here to deal with the chaotic mess that I so often was around you. I’ll see you somewhere, some where distant, somewhere far away from here, somewhere where we know no one and no one knows us. Of the past that we had or the life that we want to have. Somewhere where I sing in the morning and you hold my hand and dance with me. Somewhere, where our eyes meet and we instantly smile because this is it and somehow even though it shouldn’t be, you were my first and you were enough and I was enough for you.
But right now, you are yours and I am mine and we aren’t enough anymore.. We will take a while to get there, to be there, to find or way into the walls of the house that we may someday have, Into the wooden floors and the glass windows… We’ll get there soon. Just not now.
He sighed, exasperated after multiple trials and exhausted after no new discoveries from her part. She was getting harder to read, or maybe he was just getting more timid by the day. Who could blame him? She was too much to take in and every new discovery left him faded.
He tried once more. “What are you so afraid of? I’m here and I will always be here. Why can’t you see that?”
She looked at him long and hard. Then sighed. Looked down at her hands and start fiddling with her hair, never meeting his eyes. “I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of the rush and the pleasure. I’m afraid of not ever being able to love after you. I’m scared that I’ll give you too much.. all of it and when you leave, I’ll have none of me and everything of you and you’ll have all of me and all of you. How am I supposed to ever move past that? How am i ever supposed to pick myself back up and move forward and search for future endeavours? How am I ever supposed to go ahead and start new adventures and find new loves?”
She was almost crying. He ran towards her and enveloped her his my arms. “Why do you say ‘when’ I leave? Who said that I’m leaving? I’m not going anywhere. I’m here and I will take all of you and you will take all of me and we will both have way too much of either one of us and that is how we will live.”
2 years since, he had left, without any explanation.
They always leave.
I’m standing all the way here and you are all the way there and I’m just admiring you in your niche. I am standing so close but you seem to be in a galaxy of your own. You are so comfortable in your skin and that is so magnificent. Your eyes are far away looking at the horizon and your ears are soaking up the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and all I can do is stand here and look at you and just stare. Wonderstruck and in complete awe of what you are and who I have fallen in love with.And all I can I think is that What are the universe’s strange plans for us that they brought a mermaid to an ordinary fisher. They brought the whole galaxy at the feet of an astronomer and a the whole fucking world at my feet and I don’t know how carefully or recklessly to treat you. Do I let you free or do I keep you all to myself? Do I lose myself into your mystical worlds or do I stay on earth and keep us both grounded?
And all these questions are just reminders of exactly why we are together. How you can just stand and look into the horizon and seem like a frickin mermaid to me and all that is stopping me from wrapping you in my arms and kissing every inch of your body is the fact that the wind is blowing your hair away from your face and your chin is highlighted and all pointy in the end of it is on display and the mole right next to your eye is somehow clearer and all these little details are driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do with all of them. You are too much in one all at once and I wasn’t expecting this in my everyday life and you came and you stood on the same square of a tile that I had been on for the past decade and you shook the ground beneath me and you showed me that there was room to move around and I didn’t know how much I needed this until you showed me.
But I guess all I’m trying to tell you is that You are too much and in front of you, I feel weak and unworthy. And Im standing all the way when you turn and smile at me and start walking towards me and I am alright. Just like that. There is no place I’d rather be and no one I’d be with. I am shaking my head and smiling at how a man like me could ever take in a woman like you let alone get bored by you.
And you never realize how important her constant humming is. How the deep and peaceful breaths she takes while asleep are the reason that you slip into sleep as well. You never understand how truly important it is to come to a home that is overflowing with her scent and her things strewn about and her socks in two different corners and the contents of her handbag all over the table; probably looking for a tissue which had an important phone number. You never realize how crucial it is to get that midday text or call, to be reminded that she is on the other side, always thinking and worrying about you. You never stop and wonder how important she is until she’s gone for days at a time. When the house smells like the sun and the place is spotless and the doors are shut and the bed is empty. And the missing consumes you.
So screw reason and throw away the goddamn logic outside your bedroom window. Stop wondering if it makes sense and if its the right thing to do; because if you have to wonder,then it probably isn’t right and thats very much okay. Stop second guessing every decision you’re making, hoping for it to be right, always. It wont be. You need to make really horrible decisions every so often. You need to stumble and fall and stay on the ground for quite sometime to truly navigate your way back. I cannot emphasize this enough, but make mistakes, TONS of them. The kind of mistakes that make you want to turn back in time and reverse them immediately. The kind that make you launch into a series of gibberish followed by a seris of obscene swear words that arequite indecipherable. And lastly, the kind of mistakes that you knew you were going to pay for way before you even decided on them.And do really dumb stuff that you know will leave scars and bruises along with eternally embarassing things that you know will haunt you.
Savor the feeling of being alive. Of breathing in this rusty, polluted dust filled air every frikkin second. Embrace the fact that you have so much to lose.. Because thats so special. Embrace the adventure that is constantly being thrown your way and embrace the madness and the feeling of opening a door and being on top of a cliff and falling over. Tumblimg helplessly into oblivion. Embrace this nerve pumping fear and live a little.. Or live a lot actually. A whole lot. Live for the people in the graveyards who couldnt live for it all and live for the child in you that yearns to be let lose. Live for all of them and live a whole lot.
And he will never be what you were to me. He will never hold me the way you did. Never make me shiver with his touch like yours did. He will never be able to make my laugh till my lungs are out paced and my belly aching from the laughter. He will never hold me late at night talking about everything and nothing. He will never tell me that Im being an annoying pain in the ass like you always did. He will never call me in the middle of the night after that terrifying dream that He just had.
So when you see me walking down the street, hand in hand with him, laughing carelessly at something he just saw or heard, remember that you your chance and you blew it. You could’ve been here holding my hand and jumping with me and holding a warm cup of coffee on a cold morning but you friggin blew it. So stand back and watch me leave knowing all the while that if it came down to picking, I would always pick you. Always. But you never stood for the picking. You never turned around and came back.
There was a chill in the air and the ambience was quite serene. The finality of it all couldn’t have been emphasised any more by the clear night sky and the silence all around us. We all looked at each other with eyes filled with more than just tears.. with the hope of starting a new life here on, but also with a sort of a melancholy feeling that this is somehow the end of possibly the best beginning.
They say that High School is the end of an era, the end of life in a cocoon and the end of quite a few beginnings that can never quite be explained and I wanted so much to be explained. There was so much left that was unsaid.. So many words that I had wanted so many people to know.
I wanted my closest friends to know that times will get so hard from here on. We will quite possibly never be in the same room ever again, all of us, all at once. We will probably never share the same jokes and laugh as loud. We will never sit around those rusty tables with all our tiffins laid out to feed our hungry stomachs which somehow never seemed to be full. We will never miss classes together and hide out near the staircase to talk about the most bizarre of things. We will never look at each across a class room and laugh about something that had just happened. We will never stress about the same issues anymore and try to the cram the gazillion lessons in a single night over group chats and conference calls. We will never look at each other in an exam hall and laugh, already expecting the outcome of that exam to be quite terrible. And we will probably never look around ourselves and stare at the wonderful human beings that are standing beside us; holding out hands before a speech in the assembly, or giving a pep talk before the final March Past on Sports day, or giving a pat on the back and that charming old smile, some how assuring that the exam will be okay, no matter how unprepared or how relevant it was.
These will be the days that we will look back on and I don’t know how to say this any more than I already have, but School is the place where you start a few friendships without knowing how brutally they will end by the time you’re done. And there will days and weeks at a time where you will hate the sight and the thought of being trapped in a building with a thousand other kids who hate being there as much as you do. But then there will a few days.. a few moments that will shine brighter than all the darkness. In your mind’s eye, these seem to be the only memories that have stayed and these moments are the ones where you are laughing at how someone fell, or which boy you liked, or the face your friend makes right before she sneezes and these are all the things that leave a lingering smile and a good mood for the rest of the week because at the end of it all, you only seem to take the good with you.
The bad stays back and somehow you are expected to move on.
Over a span of two months, you are expected to pack up your bags and move to a new city and make new friends, adjust in a new home and be perfectly stable and upload perfect pictures on the internet to make it all feel like completely alright.
How? How are we expected to leave all that behind? Some people are Golden and We can Never Leave them Behind.
I hope you look back and think of all the memories that we shared as fond ones. I hope that you are able to smile when you think of a joke we shared, or a punch line I cracked. I hope you eat strawberries and are instantly reminded of how I like them sour and tongue tingling. I hope you watch a sappy, romantic comedy and immediately want to pick up your phone and text me about all the loopholes in the plot lines. I hope you drive over that bridge at 3 am and want nothing more than talk to me about life and its continous mysteries.
I hope that one day, you can look back and think of Us without Flinching. Without any vengence or poison.
I hope that one day you look back and think of us as an experience.. As an opportunity.. As a gift.
And I hope that.. Someday when our paths cross and our eyes meet, you are able to smile at me and realize that you had forgiven me a long time ago.