A sea of memories, an ocean of people. A thousand stolen moments and a gazillion smiles shared across rooms. About a billion reasons to stay and a few thousand more to leave and here we are, two years later; forever living in the past and in the moments we created that have now turned into golden memories that will somehow never return.
Home no more has a soothing effect. It is no more comforting. It does not cocoon me into a blanket of “take care” and “Its good to have you back; I missed you” But is a constant reminder of a life that I once used to live. Home is no more safe and warm; it is a constant reminder of the past and the choices that we made to leave and not look back.
I am forever living in nostalgia and the waves and pangs of hurt and grief and the tears that I’m always choking down and the thoughts that I’m always pushing aside and the reasons that I’m never really addressing and the words on my tongue that I’m always biting back and the hugs and sobs that I’m forever yearning for but never asking; never saying too much; never letting the mask of “okay-ness” slip away. Never letting you know that home is no more a sanctuary but a rude awakening; a reminder of everything that I ever wanted to leave behind but as I step foot into this place called home, I am pulled back into moments and memories that I didn’t even know my heart could store and places and people that I didn’t think would stay with me for so long. I am forever longing for the feeling that i used to have in the bottom of my stomach and in the heart of my heart. I am craving the laughter that I haven’t had in a while and I am craving the feeling of being surrounded by the faces that i grew up with and the places that remind me of another that i did once live and will never live again.
I am standing here; crumbling. I am sitting here, constantly falling apart. My existence is coming lose and undone and my thoughts an amalgamation of overwhelming sadness and grief that I didn’t know a heart could retain. My mind is a fuzzy mess of beginnings and endings the betweens that brought me joy at one time but are now only a bridge between the now and the then.
I am coming lose, undone and broken. I standing weak and falling and breaking. I am here and now I am not. I was and I am. I will be and I wont ever.
Of the few pleasures in life that I was entitled to, laying beside you wide my arms wide open and my eyes tight shut; I realized how truly magnificient it was to hear you snore softly throughout the night, almost as if you were purring. It struck to me, not for the first time that beauty isnt all smiles and laughter, its the knowledge that you can sleep through the night and that my arms will always welcome you and my heart is no more a stranger to yours and this tranquility, these beautiful moments that I seize onto and snatch away from life what life can’t snatch away from me, will get me through the rest of my life.
Here I Stand. Relaying my words to you, reading out my story to you. Here I stand. Writing down all the words that I have ever known and all the stories that these two eyes have seen and all of the hearts that these two hands have held and all of the tears that have been shed from these eyes into these hands and have brushed against crumbled skirts and loose sleeves and have been shed for once and for all; never again.
Here I lay, beneath the open sky and on a patch of grass that isn’t the greenest. Here I lay and here I lay to tell you that the worse is yet to come and the best is always looming behind it. Here I lay to tell you that no matter what colour the grass is, as long you’re laying on it and you’re laying long enough to tell your story, You are enough. That is all that matters.
Here I sprint. Sprint away from all that has ever haunted me and all that will forever take away from me and all that has little bits and pieces of me and all that owns me. Here, I run away from them onto a place which accepts my broken and incomplete self because all that is broken does not need mending but healing. And all that is shattered will rise from the deepest browns of the earth and will fall upon you from the highest realms of these skies.
Here I fly, fly into the starry sky which has never once failed to awe me. These starry skies are my kryptonite and I shall never ask of you to come with me but if you may, my hand is held open and my heart’s doors always creak open for you.
Here I stop. Stop right in front of you and stop only for a brief moment. I ask you, “Are you here? Are you alive? Do you feel your heart racing and your body tingling and your ears thrumming with the beats of a new tomorrow? Does your mind say yes to your body? Do you want to get out of here? Do you want to go up up and away?”
Here I wait, Not for long, but I shall patiently and keenly wait for the greatest question of them all, “Here I am before you, Am I enough?”
“Have we met before?” You asked, with a hint of smile in your voice and your hands trying to find my hair to play with. I kept my eyes closed and smiled, and nodded my head. He had found the perfect strands to play with and I was letting him; even though I hated having my hair touched. I let him.
“I think.. I think that I have met you before. Somewhere so beautiful. It’s Yellow and Purple and the sky is the Bluest shade of blue there is and the sun is out and so are your shades and your wearing white because white has always been your colour and in a field of poppies or daisies.. or lavenders.. you knew that white could not hide. Do you remember meeting me there?” He had now found my shoulders and was drawing circles on them whilst tracing soft touches along my neck and my spine.
I didn’t know if I was dreaming of if he was dreaming and I was part of his dream, but I wanted to hear more and I could wake up from this. I let him stroke me and I smiled again and whispered, “I don’t think we’ve met. I don’t think that that was when we met. I think you saw me in a dream.”
He laughed, so low and soft that if I wasn’t lying so close to him, I probably would’ve just thought that he had exhaled. But he laughed and placed his hand on my face. He said, “But you are my dream. You are the one that I have dreamed about. These moments with you are what dreams are made of.”
I opened my eyes and our eyes finally met for the first time that night, and he was right,
We had met before.
.I sense a change. I sense the change that is taking over us. This change is in the wind. I can feel it in your presence but so much more in your absence.
You’re not there anymore. I look around.. And You’re not there anymore. Not asking me how my day went. or making me laugh or sitting across from me and texting me or flashing me a smile across the room or just sitting in silence with me.
You’re not there anymore. You’re not around. You took a step back.. a few steps too back and there’s not a lot left for us left for us with you standing all the way there and me standing all the way here waiting. This distance between us engulfs me and drowns me in only one word.
“It makes sense you know, the way you are and the way you look at things; they way they should be versus the way that they are. This actually isn’t that hard to comprehend once I understand where you’re coming from. You’re a whole lot of.. actually the sum of all of your memories. A collection of all the years and the memories and the moments and the places and things and feelings all at once; a manifestation of all of the years of your life in one. You are are this one tiny little human being holding onto the weight of a thousand Yesterday’s that you wish you’d have never had and you are the constant surge of hope and possibility for a tomorrow that you do not know of. But do you realize what’s wrong?
Darling, you are not in Today. You are here standing in front of me but you are not standing in front of me. In your mind’s eye, you are in that resort that you visited three years ago with your little sisters and you are also on that field with the wild ducks chasing after you and you yelping and screaming out of fear and humour. You need to be here, my love. I know that the possibility of a tomorrow is the best one that we have been given and I understand that some Yesterday’s outlive us our whole lives but what you need to realize is that none of them have the power that you hold right now. You right here hold the most supreme power of them all; you possess Change. You possess the ever lasting ability to stand your ground and sway with the wind and dance to the tunes that only you hear and sing to a bee song. You right here are Right Here. Say those words out loud and let them sink in so far deep within, that you can’t forget hem even if you tried.
And if someday’s your Today becomes hard to live through then know that the comfort and solace of my arms will forever await your embrace and they will hold you close until sundown and sunrise again; where we shall start a new possibility together; maybe.
“I am yours, don’t you see that? Everything I am and everything I will ever be; that is all yours, my Love. This is all of me and now all of this is as much Yours; if not more, than it was ever mine. You might not understand, but everything I do, reminds me of you. Everything I see, I imagine seeing it with you. Every time i listen to good music, i think of telling you about it so we can dance to it and every time I dream a dream at night and it doesn’t have you in it, I wake up a little disappointed. I want you, I want us, all of us and all of the friggin time. It is so bizarre imagining a life before you were here and It is almost impossible to NOT have you hereafter. And I am so scared that I more Yours than I am Mine and I feel like I can never reclaim my bits from you anymore and that petrifies me because what if you don’t want some parts of me and I can’t have them back and you decide to toss out in the trash. What then?
Everyone talks about the beauty and the happiness that comes with love, but no one talks about losing yourself to the person. Nobody talks about how possessed you feel and how Powerless that makes you feel. You are not in control anymore. And the fact that I am readily giving up that control and power into your hands with the key to my heart to you is a bigger deal than you could ever possibly imagine. This isn’t me. I am not mine anymore. I am yours and I am doing what I cannot control anymore. This; Me.. Is All You.
And I am afraid. I am so afraid and I am devoid of air in my lungs. And what if you wake up one morning and you don’t want me anymore and you decide that out there is where you belong and all I am is just a mere reminder of how much heavy weight exists in your life. And maybe you won’t ever want to see me. What then? How do I walk again? How do I ever step out again?