Here I was again Tonight, Forcing Laughter, Faking Smiles. Same Old Tired Lonely Faces. (Him)

Here we were, in the same room, under the light of the very same  chandelier that we had been for the past 3 and a half months,  that seemed to be shedding all of its light away from me and somehow taking all to you, Always to you. And I couldn’t help but wonder… how we could meet so often and not know one another at all. Well, at least on your part.

I seemingly, had memorised every detail of you that I could possibly soak in the mere four hours we got to be in the same room. I had managed to sneak as many looks as I could when I’m not busy making small conversation about the most irrelevant of things.. when I could just be staring at you.

As I see you, once again; across of sea of people; smiling and nodding at all the right times and saying all the right things to the right people, I am in awe of how beautiful you are with every movement that you make. Your delicate fingertips make everything they touch turn into gold; well not like Midas.  Just the kind of poetic gold that seems to shine right on  your forehead, onto your nose and to your beautiful neck.. where it rests, showing you off to the massive room of people who cannot get enough of you as it is.  Everyone around you somehow seems duller in contrast and the room that we stand in seems to be in awe of you too. The lights hits your face at all the right angles and accentuate your sharp chin and your soft, thin lips. It brings out the glint in your chocolate brown eyes and makes one wonder what the mischief in them is all about. They always seem to be dancing.. as though searching for something.

And for the umpteenth time, I hoped that they were looking for me. That even with a sea of people around you, practically worshipping you, I hope that your eyes are looking for me.. wanting to meet another pair of eyes with the same mischief and magic. I pine for our eyes to meet and to make the instant connection that I always hoped that we would find.

I hope to find you in this room a hundred more times and I hope, against all odds and all logic that there is a time where I find you in here, all alone. And I hope that you stand right beneath this massive glass ball and stare at me.. and see that I’ve been here all this while, waiting for you to notice.. to look across this giant room filled strangers and see that I am here.. that I’ve always been here.

How can two eyes never meet and still somehow know the fate?

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These Memories Will Be As Bright as We Are Now. #HighSchoolNostalgia

There was a chill in the air and the ambience was quite serene. The finality of it all couldn’t have been emphasised any more by the clear night sky and the silence all around us.  We all looked at each other with eyes filled with more than just tears.. with the hope of starting a new life here on, but also with a sort of a melancholy feeling that this is somehow the end of possibly the best beginning.

They say that High School is the end of an era, the end of life in a cocoon and the end of quite a few beginnings that can never quite be explained and I wanted so much to be explained. There was so much left that was unsaid.. So many words that I had wanted so many people to know.

I wanted my closest friends to know that times will get so hard from here on. We will quite possibly never be in the same room ever again, all of us, all at once. We will probably never share the same jokes and laugh as loud. We will never sit around those rusty tables with all our tiffins laid out to feed our hungry stomachs which somehow never seemed to be full. We will never miss classes together and hide out near the staircase to talk about the most bizarre of things. We will never look at each across a class room and laugh about something that had just happened. We will never stress about the same issues anymore and try to the cram the gazillion lessons in a single night over group chats and conference calls. We will never look at each other in an exam hall and laugh, already expecting the outcome of that exam to be quite terrible. And we will probably never look around ourselves and stare at the wonderful human beings that are standing beside us; holding out hands before a speech in the assembly, or giving a pep talk before the final March Past on Sports day, or giving a pat on the back and that charming old smile, some how assuring that the exam will be okay, no matter how unprepared or how relevant it was.

These will be the days that we will look back on and I don’t know how to say this any more than I already have, but School is the place where you start a few friendships without knowing how brutally they will end by the time you’re done. And there will days and weeks at a time where you will hate the sight and the thought of being trapped in a building with a thousand other kids who hate being there as much as you do. But then there will a few days.. a few moments that will shine brighter than all the darkness. In your mind’s eye, these seem to be the only memories that have stayed and these moments are the ones where you are laughing at how someone fell, or which boy you liked, or the face your friend makes right before she sneezes and these are all the things that leave a lingering smile and a good mood for the rest of the week because at the end of it all, you only seem to take the good with you.

The bad stays back and somehow you are expected to move on.

Over a span of two months, you are expected to pack up your bags and move to a new city and make new friends, adjust in a new home and be perfectly stable and upload perfect pictures on the internet to make it all feel like completely alright.

How? How are we expected to leave all that behind? Some people are Golden and We can Never Leave them Behind.

Nothing More, but Never Quite Enough. #Excerpt2

“You talk a big talk but can you walk as big?” She smirked and asked him expecting him to be equally cocky; if not more.

He answered, knowing exactly where this was going, “How many times do I need to tell you that that I will flirt with a thousand girls and I will even smile at them in a way that will make them believe that I am the man for them and some day I will take them to a far away land with rainbows and unicorns and beautiful flowers and exotic weather, but that eventually I will wind back to this beautiful face of yours  and this enchanting laugh of yours that makes me want to say silly things all the time, only to hear the sound of that  gurgling laughter of yours over and over again. That when I’m with you all I can think of what about you shall I be able to take in today? What about you will I go home and recall because it is all too overwhelming, Your smile, your eyes, your lips, your hands.. they are all a little too much for one person to hold. And all I’m really doing is trying to pass away the time that I have on my hands before it is finally time for Us.”

She laughed out loud, knowing where this conversation was leading, precisely where it led to all the time. But somewhere deep down but paradoxically quite on the surface, she felt a little hope surging through. Even though she knew all of his mind tricks and his mantra’s and his cute little smirk and that face he had when he was mid smiling and laughing and his ‘I need to ruffle my hair every five seconds because the human race will seize to exist if I don’t,’ she knew that there was something about them.. about her that made him want to be more than just the person he was and the things he always kept saying held some meaning… At least she wanted to believe that they did. She wanted to hold on to every word and wanted to think of the little things that happened during the time that he was speaking. The way his nose twitched or the way that his hair looked extra brown this evening or the fact that his voice had seemed quite sincere for the first time this evening. She wanted to believe more than anything that this was real and some day they would stop laughing at this and actually look each other in the eyes and say all these things with all the meaning that they held. She desperately wanted to believe that there was some truth to all this.

She looked up at him and saw him staring right back at her. She looked, really hard and searched for the truth. She wanted him to say this to her over and over again. She wanted to say all the things that she had been mashing down. All the feelings that had been brimming for so long but all she could say was, “So basically, I’m on a waiting list, precisely on the END of the waiting list. Gee, thanks.”

He started laughing, really shaking and laughing, so whole heartedly that she couldn’t help but laugh with him and they laughed as loud and as manically as they always did. They laughed at the regular occurrence of this conversation and how every time, it took a new turn and a few layers were peeled back, but never all of them. And maybe they laughed to numb the pain that they both felt every time they talked about this, and how neither one of them was brave enough to say the truth.

And somewhere, in between the laughing and the commenting.. there was a brief moment of truth where he held on to her hand; sudden and fast and he squeezed tight, as if trying to assure her that he would come back for her, over and over again.

And just like that the moment passed and they were back to being best friends again, nothing more.. and never quite enough.

Miss Moving On.

For the longest time in my life, I thought I would never be able to forget you, let alone forgive you. I thought I would forever carry the ghosts of my pasts into every avenue of my future. I thought that no matter how old I got, I will forever be that 15 year old who thought that good things only happened once and they lasted forever. I thought that I  was invincible to all things bad.  That no matter how far ahead I got in life, I would always look back and seek your approval. I thought that your presence was vital for my survival, my thought process .And every action of mine required your permission. Because that is what all 15 year old girls think when a boy shows them that they are pretty and smart and spontaneous and clever. They heave a sigh of relief and feel like their purpose on this planet has now been fulfilled. We are running on such low self esteems, that a single compliment, a cute smile or a wave or even  a tilt of the head leads us to believe that we are important in that person’s life. That our place is kind of a special one. And we can now finally join the clan of other similar beings who feel the need to be validated by boys.

Today, I don’t miss you. I don’t need you to give me your opinions or your takes on life. Today, I am doing what I am doing without the fear of being judged or questioned or even appreciated by you. Today, I may not stand tall, but I most definitely do stand on my two feet, no crutches.. no YOU.

And I hope you read this and you know this. I hope you know that once upon a time a lot of my life circled around you, but not anymore. I thought that I could never be happy again, never try again. I am so glad that I am smiling, all day, everyday.

Thanks to you I guess?