Growing up or Growing Old? Or just growing apart?
These are probably most descriptive of everything that we ever go through in the years that follow. We understand that growing up isn’t measured in age and birthdays, but is measured in circumstances, events and encounters. We learn to embrace the growing old is beautifully tragic- or beautiful and tragic. You understand why your parents never really tell you their age and you laugh when your age is asked. Its strange, stranger even to realize that ‘What goes around, comes around’.
You grow apart, from inanimate and very animate objects. You learn to leave some people behind despite the fact that they didn’t actually do anything wrong; almost like shedding skin. You carry some people onwards regardless of all the bullshit that they have put you through, like grey hair and dried flowers. You are now dripping with love and loss, hope and opaque screens and doors that never open and books that we never look back at, and colours that we never really reach out for anymore.
You realize that you have built gardens in others. You have planted careful seeds and watered your plants and you are waiting for the flowers to bloom but the goddamn weed just never stops. And sometimes, you leave your gardens there; within others. You leave your seeds waiting to bloom and your watered plants never to be watered again only to understand that gardens need to be grown within not without. To understand that flowers grow inside of your body and never in any one else; yes you can hand your flowers to someone once they have bloomed inside you but up until then, they are Yours.
Build your own gardens and take care of yourself before you start chasing the next big thing, Stop losing sight of the little and the minuscule because that is all there is. The big flashing lights and the neon signs and the dollar bills; they will all fade and so will you; from body to manure, from person to mud and all you will ever regret is not paying attention.
Ageing is weird. Its funny and strange and as the years go by, its gets funnier and stranger and rather unseemly as to how we react to the most normal and predictable process known to mankind in the most unusual and unwelcome change in all of us.
We spend the first half of our lives pining and hoping to understand the secrets of the mystical and magical world of adults where whispers and secrets are the only language known and the mysteries that take place behind closed doors and in hush-hushes is by far the only shot of adrenaline that we will ever need. We spend pining over a life that not only do we not know and aren’t ready for but also for a life that is so unpromising and so anti-climatic.
You lose the one’s you love, with no warning signs and no disclaimers. You lose them over small arguments and large door slamming, fleeing the countries and saying Goodbyes in every way but the uttering of those exact words.
You understand yourself better, in so many more ways that you could have ever imagined and don’t get me wrong, this IS NOT necessarily a good things. You understand that underneath all the layers that you keep so well polished and so well kept, you are dark and accepting that darkness is probably most of the second half.
You love more and less. You love less because you know what it is to have lost, and you love more because in the blink of an eye you have gone from 12-20 and you have understood that if if all of life’s moments are going to be a blink’s worth, we might as well make it count. We might as well create a few “oops” moments in our lives.
The latter part of life well and truly begins at loss and might I add, it also mostly ends in loss. And let me remind you and emphasize it it as much as I really can with words projecting from a screen; you will grieve the loss of people who are alive. You will understand what it is to have been walked over and have been left to your devices to understand what happened. The blur of the moment is sometimes all it is; it is a blur; a foggy screen and a comma rather than a full stop. You will lose in so many more ways than one, a precious earring, a gifted pen, a few memories stolen from right under your nose and a few reminders that just don’t seem important enough- all Lost from the ground that you stand on.
You are constantly drowning and resurfacing. Drowning in the sea of memories that you never seem to get out of; sinking and never wanting to come back up (note: wanting). And resurfacing, the world above sea. To be making new memories while being lost in another world is a challenge in itself, I would say.
January 17, 2018.
I am here today and if it were upto me, I would have never dared to see myself here ever. I am here and I am trying harder than ever. You know I realized that you are only as weak as you allow yourself to be but the same applies to hollowness which is often confused with strength. I am trying to gather up all of the strength that there is left inside of me. I am trying to conjure up that energy and understand that there once used to be angels and demons fighting inside of me and now there are demons fighting off of other demons and trying to pick between the bad or the worse. I am trying to tame them, but I could use some help, I could use the help that I never ask for and I could use the help that I am always offered but refuse to accept. You see I have this notion, this notion that i ma the fixer and the problem as well. I am the judge and the jury and the victim and the departed, but like I said, I am trying.
I am trying to understand that not everything is in my power and not everything necessarily requires an answer and I am trying to understand that some loose ends are prettier the way they are. I am trying to understand that the me that I used to be is no where close to the me that I am and the Me that I will become will look back at me and laugh at my naive, and unrealistic expectations of the world and its people and well at myself as well.
So I am trying, I am trying to breathe without having to plan out by next 6 steps of the day and I am trying to shut down this ever talking head of mine and I am trying to sleep without having to toss and turn too much.
Heavy breathed and teary eyed, I flipped through the pages of my notebooks and my journals and the pictures saved in my phone and the little tit bits that I had collected over the year.
So much had gone, so much had passed by me. I looked out, I looked away. The mist and the fog outside felt like it was the inside of my head. I was confused, bedazzled and so so lost. I looked to you and you looked to me, You nodded and you smiled. You whispered, “This is it. this is the fresh start that you were looking for, isnt this what you were waiting for?”
a silent tear slipped through my face and I looked up and said, “not like this, not so fast. you’re in a moment, in a spot and things seem crazy and they seem like its the end of the world and most times. these days and moments are fleeting and they pass and replacing these feelings are other minuscule worries of our days and I thought that I wanted this gone but I don’t. I look at my self and I am so little, I am so tiny and I am in one in a freaking billion and thats not the greatest thing to know you know. i am at the end of the day, just a number and there will come a day that i cease to exist but the number won’t change because somewhere somehow, a new miracle is taking birth and I am leaving and I am afraid that there will come another day where I do not live and you will stop having my face in your eyes and you will look around and not feel my presence and you will not feel my shadow lurking or my scent in the air and just like this year, we will wrap up old pictures and call them photographs, we will clean out drawers and replace them and we will buy new books and we will write new stories and someday we will stop writing them. what then? and our books will get buried and our photographs will get burnt and all we will leave behind is a few moments that they probably won’t even remember. what then?
3 days down. 3 days of sitting here and typing and deleting and thinking and maybe too much thinking actually and just realizing that what I need for myself is not a date and not a general influence of everyone around me writing letters to themselves about their past year and what they hope to get out of the coming year but a just sense of a drive, that finally wills me to sit down and write for a while.
For starters, I am not looking for a second chance and I am not looking for a new beginning. I am not waiting for a clean slate to appear and I am not hoping for a new leaf.
I hope to begin this year as I begin all of my new years’ ; just like any other day. I want to begin without this man made notion of a new year and this absurd idea that everything has the capability to change because frankly that exists regardless of what day or month or year that we are in. We possess the power to flip the page and turn over a new leaf whenever we want to. Whenever the fire in our throats scratches and itches and burns and thats about all the push that we need. The Universe exists there in all of its beauty, looking down at all of our beauty and never really waits for a certain planet to finish its certain turn to push magic into our bodies; we hold this magic, we are always in possession of this magic that we so often overlook and leave- buried and untouched.
But I do hope, I really do that I can continue and even strengthen the relationships that I already possess. I hope that I look into the mirror everyday and see myself and I hope that thats enough; because lately it hasn’t been. I hope that I wake up and I find that I am doing everything that I love. I hope I find the love and compassion for something a little bit more.. I hope to find hope in the most hopeless of situations and I hope to find solace at the end of each day, to feel content with what Ive done, with what I am continually doing. I hope to realize that not all questions have answers and that not all problems come with ONLY ONE set of solutions. I hope I understand myself better and I hope to never let myself or my greatest supporters down. I hope to not worry too much or too little, Im in a constant battle with myself over that.
I hope I am more hopeful than I was this year and I am more at peace with myself.
And most of all, I hope to look back and understand why I did what I did and to just not have regrets. Or maybe have some regrets but ones where I knew I was making them before I even made them.
I hope to look back and see you all there, to see you reading this and realizing that you possess the power to do so much more without the weight of a year looming over you. So if its been a bad one these past 12 months, take your time, maybe even the whole of the next 12 months, and for you the who is in the quest of finding all of the answers to the universe, I hope you sleep with a smile on your face!