What then?

“I am yours, don’t you see that? Everything I am and everything I will ever be; that is all yours, my Love. This is all of me and now all of this is as much Yours; if not more, than it was ever mine. You might not understand, but  everything I do,  reminds me of you. Everything I see, I imagine seeing it with you. Every time i listen to good music, i think of telling you about it so we can dance to it and every time I dream a dream at night and it doesn’t have you in it, I wake up a little disappointed. I want you, I want us, all of us and all of the friggin time. It is so bizarre imagining a life before you were here and It is almost impossible to NOT have you hereafter. And I am so scared that I more Yours than I am Mine and I feel like I can never reclaim my bits from you anymore and that petrifies me because what if you don’t want some parts of me and I can’t have them back and you decide to toss out in the trash. What then?

Everyone talks about the beauty and the happiness that comes with love, but no one talks about losing yourself to the person. Nobody talks about how possessed you feel and how Powerless that makes you feel. You are not in control anymore. And the fact that I am readily giving up that control and power into your hands with the key to my heart to you is a bigger deal than you could ever possibly imagine. This isn’t me. I am not mine anymore. I am yours and I am doing what I cannot control anymore. This; Me.. Is All You.

And I am afraid. I am so afraid and I am devoid of air in my lungs.  And what if you wake up one morning and you don’t want me anymore and you decide that out there is where you belong and all I am is just a mere reminder of how much heavy weight exists in your life. And maybe you won’t ever want to see me. What then? How do I walk again? How do I ever step out again?

Broken Things

“You don’t understand. Please, step back. I’m actually a gigantic, walking “Warning! Hazard Ahead” Sign and you should be able to read this. I thought that you were smart enough. ”

He laughed, not like it was funny but at the absurdity of this whole situation. Two months ago, he didn’t even know who he was and now he was standing still but somehow still tumbling on his thoughts. Constantly thinking about this girl who had somehow gone on to define him.. who had cleared his fuzzy view and made him see him for himself after the longest time and this was all he had ever wanted. It came a bit early in his life but he didn’t mind it, not one bit. And now, here he was, offering everything he had and everything he would ever go on to achieve to this Beautiful Girl and she wouldn’t budge. She wouldn’t take him and end his misery.  He was getting so tired of these excuses and these lies and the little ways in which she pushed him so far away; almost as if she liked it when he was far away. But he knew better.. he wanted to be right now more than ever.

He said, “What don’t I get? That you’re fucked up? Well aren’t we all. Its always someone, the brother, the dad, the mother. There is always someone who breaks us a little on the inside and as we grow up, the breaking gets harder to fix and the cracks run deeper than the surface and there’s only so much glue and tape and pins that can hold messes together. And we grow up and older and we try to push these things away in a little corner that we often revisit, but for the most of the day, we shove them aside and kind of learn to live with the little good that we did see.” He held her by the arms, looked her in the eye and said, “It’s okay, we are all broken. I am broken too. Maybe not as much but a little bit. Now come, lets find all the broken places and touch them so we can be a part of each other’s broken memories and maybe that will make this better.”

She looked at him. These words made sense. His words make complete sense.. but she didn’t think that he deserved to witness this much sadness and darkness. ” No, but you don’t understand. It gets really dark in my head sometimes. There are times that I cry when nothing’s wrong and there are times when I lay in bed for hours thinking of the future and the past and everything in between and I am paralysed by my own thoughts and I don’t eat and I don’t sleep and it gets very dark and lonely and that’s something i don’t ever want you to have to see or go through with. This head of mine, it loses itself in a labyrinth made my itself and I am not in charge anymore and I want to make this stop but I can’t and you shouldn’t have to step in right now.

He looked at her and said, “Im ready and I want to step in. I want to touch the cracks and the scars. Take your time. Show me bit by bit, but my condition is  show me. Show me and don’t back down for an actual shot at something here. Don’t back down and if you want to talk or someone to cry with or someone to lay down with, I am your guy. “

Step in. Step Closer.

It may not seem like a lot, but I think about you. I think about you even when I shouldn’t and I honestly think about you a whole lot. Not in a creepy way, but in the kind of way where I can spend my whole day thinking about you and still not run out of things to think about; in the kind of way which is Consuming. just imagining the little details about your face or all of your moles or just the way that you are constantly laughing with all of your mouth just gaping open and for the world to see, making the whole room laugh around you and if you are going to live, Live in a way that is going to effect everyone around you.. live so that others have a reason to as well and live a whole and true life just for yourself.

And if you ever read this and if you ever find that you are thinking about me too, even in the slightest bit or even in the tiniest little thing that you come across in the street, then please don’t be a coward like me. please don’t just stare and wait for some hurricane to swing us into each other’s arms. Please don’t be me when you can be you and you can come and say that you think my shirt is cool or that hey, have you listened to Bastille’s take on the Scrubs or anything, but if you ever see what I do between the two of us and if I am too late by then, then please by all means, go ahed and do what I couldn’t and do what I have always wanted to.

Will I see you there?

I’ll see you at the beginning;

In between stolen glances and words which were mine even before you uttered them. Where your gorgeous eyes were only looking for mine. Somewhere in  between the slight brushing of the hands and the times where I would go back home and hold my hand against my heart and hear the loudest beats. Somewhere in between the words unsaid and the smiles that were intended for me and me only.

I’ll see you somewhere in my dreams where you would lay next to me and hold my hand and make me feel like all the stars in the sky were ours and the light from them was enough to keep us alive. And in that moment we felt like conquerers, where all of the world was ours and we were enough for all of its might. In that moment, your hand was all the power I needed to feel like that no unknown was scarier to break us down.

I will see you somewhere, where  all the songs were about you and all the words reminded me of you and your gorgeous hair and the feeling where my heart actually felt like it had left my body and was floating above in the sky and had left me down here to deal with the chaotic mess that I so often was around you.  I’ll see you somewhere, some where distant, somewhere far away from here, somewhere where we know no one and no one knows us. Of the past that we had or the life that we want to have. Somewhere where I sing in the morning and you hold my hand and dance with me. Somewhere, where our eyes meet and we instantly smile because this is it and somehow even though it shouldn’t be, you were my first and you were enough and I was enough for you.

 

But right now, you are yours and I am mine and we aren’t enough anymore.. We will take a while to get there, to be there, to find or way into the walls of the house that we may someday have, Into the wooden floors and the glass windows… We’ll get there soon. Just not now.

The Little Lover’s Quest.

I’m standing all the way here and you are all the way there and I’m just admiring you in your niche. I am standing so close but you seem to be in a galaxy of your own. You are so comfortable in your skin and that is so magnificent. Your eyes are far away looking at the horizon and your ears are soaking up the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and all I can do is stand here and look at you and just stare. Wonderstruck and in complete awe of what you are and who I have fallen in love with.And all I can I think is that What are the universe’s strange plans for us that they brought a mermaid to an ordinary fisher. They brought the whole galaxy at the feet of an astronomer and a the whole fucking world at my feet and I don’t know how carefully or recklessly to treat you. Do I let you free or do I keep you all to myself? Do I lose myself into your mystical worlds or do I stay on earth and keep us both grounded?

And all these questions are just reminders of exactly why we are together. How you can just stand and look into the horizon and seem like a frickin mermaid to me and all that is stopping me from wrapping you in my arms and kissing every inch of your body is the fact that the wind is blowing your hair away from your face and your chin is highlighted and all pointy in the end of it is on display and the mole right next to your eye is somehow clearer and all these little details are driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do with all of them. You are too much in one all at once and I wasn’t expecting this in my everyday life and you came and you stood on the same square of a tile that I had been on for the past decade and you shook the ground beneath me and you showed me that there was room to move around and I didn’t know how much I needed this until you showed me.

But I guess all I’m trying to tell you is that You are too much and in front of you, I feel weak and unworthy. And Im standing all the way when you turn and smile at me and start walking towards me and I am alright. Just like that. There is no place I’d rather be and no one I’d be with. I am shaking my head and smiling at how a man like me could ever take in a woman like you let alone get bored by you.