A little after Midway; Already

January 17, 2018.

I am here today and if it were upto me, I would have never dared to see myself here ever. I am here and I am trying harder than ever. You know I realized that you are only as weak as you allow yourself to be but the same applies to hollowness which is often confused with strength. I am trying to gather up all of the strength that there is left inside of me. I am trying to conjure up that energy and understand that there once used to be angels and demons fighting inside of me and now there are demons fighting off of other demons and trying to pick between the bad or the worse. I am trying to tame them, but I could use some help, I could use the help that I never ask for and I could use the help that I am always offered but refuse to accept. You see I have this notion, this notion that i ma the fixer and the problem as well. I am the judge and the jury and the victim and the departed, but like I said, I am trying.

I am trying to understand that not everything is in my power and not everything necessarily requires an answer and I am trying to understand that some loose ends are prettier the way they are. I am trying to understand that the me that I used to be is no where close to the me that I am and the Me that I will become will look back at me and laugh at my naive, and unrealistic expectations of the world and its people and well at myself as well.

So I am trying, I am trying to breathe without having to plan out by next 6 steps of the day and I am trying to shut down this ever talking head of mine and I am trying to sleep without having to toss and turn too much.

 

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