I wanted her to know that I knew that she was trying to get back on her feet after the last time. I wanted her to know that I saw through her flaky, pasty smile. I saw through those little moments where she tried to hide away looks of pain in between tugging her hair behind her ears. I wanted her to know even though I wasn’t there at that point in her life and I didn’t even know her then, I beat myself everyday over why I didn’t protect her. Why I didn’t save her when she needed saving most. Where was I? I tried to recall and pin down to the exact things that I was doing a year ago and I try to picture how different life would have been to her and how much I would have sheltered her from.
I wanted her to know that He may have ruined her, but she possessed within herself the power to put back all of her pieces and stand her ground with her two feet. I wanted her to know that the one thing that fairytales so often didn’t mention was that a Prince isn’t needed to rescue the Princess. That the Princess can do it all by herself. She just needs to stop waiting.
I want her to know that she is beautiful.. beyond words and beyond any explanation. I want her to look at herself in the mirror and not look down sheepishly. I want her to stand tall and look at herself and see that there is beauty in that reflection. Beauty in those tears and those sad eyes. Knowing that you will emerge after all this, stronger. Beauty in the hope that you can get past this. I want her to know that I will keep standing on this side of the door and keep waiting for as long as it takes for her to discover the wings and the fire that she has within her. I wanted her to know that she is kind. She is kind to the extent where you might even think that she is plotting against you. But she is wonderfully kind. She is so, so very talented and eccentric in all the little things that she does. I wish that one day, she sees herself exactly the way I see her.
I want her to know that I will be there every single time. And I will disappoint her and sometimes even hurt her, but I will never walk out, slamming doors and yelling blood. We will stay and we will get through this. And I will wait.
I want her to believe that she will always have me to count on and that I will wait. And I will wait until she discovers that she is meant to be there for herself before she can be there for anyone else. I will wait until she sees that after all this is over and she is ready to take the world and the wanderlust, that I will be there.
Until then, I will be on the other side of this door. I will remind her that I am not like the ones that left her crying by herself inside a big house with no one to hear her sobs and her screams. I want her to know that if I could, I would be on the same side of the door with her.