Things that I was Sure of Have Filled Me Up with Doubt.

Its one thing to help others get out of their misery. Its one thing to help someone go through a tough time and stand by and watch them push through some of the hardest times they will ever experience and watch that eventually, there is only so much you can do. The recovery process is completely dependent on the individual. It is entirely in their hands to take one day as it comes their way and to end it with a little bit more progress than they did they day before.

But when it is your turn to stand in the storm and deal with the strong currents and the crazy wind, that is when all the tables turn and bridges burn. That is when you truly understand that healing, recovering and finally being able to stand your own two feet without wavering takes a hell of a lot. It is only then that you realize that this will forever be something that you face. Periodically, this will come up and knock the breath out of you. It will buckle you down to your knees and you will be broken all over again and the healing has to begin from square one. This will happen again and again and slowly healing will take less time and so much less effort.

I know this sounds pretty and perfect and somehow simpler than it actually is. It takes years if not more to finally be closer to the person that you were before it happened. It takes ages to smile without forcing it. It takes dozens of sleepless nights to have one that has lasted for a  decent 5 hours. And it takes forever to open up about this to someone at all.

My point is, take your time. Take a breather. Look at things without any prejudice. Do’t let the past cloud your perspective. And don’t ever stop doing things that made you happy no matter how blurry they seem now with all the darkness that they surround. And most importantly, give it all another try. Put yourself out there. Put yourself in a vulnerable position and feel the rush. Feel the beating of your heart and feel yourself on the spot and afraid.

Feel yourself be Alive.


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