Come close.Closer. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret..
You will never ever forget what his t-shirt smelled like or how his pupils dilated when he looked at you. You will never forget the way his laugh created little knots in your stomach reminding you of how in love you were with him. The smell of soap and sweat and guy that always accompanied him will forever be there; in the back of your head or right there staring at you in the face. And you can try to run and hide. You can try and shove this all out of of your sight but that is something that will never change. He will forever be there. Lingering, tiptoeing. He will hold your hand and he will wipe your tears but he will also leave. He will never stay. And every time you realise that, you will be left with a newfound realisation that .. He Is Gone. He isn’t there anymore than you are.
And this will come in little intervals. Pain tends to come in waves. Trying to soothe you one second and attacking you the next. Pain tends to creep up on you.. slowly and then all at once. Pain tends to make you want to hold your breath and leave you breathless at the same time. And that is exactly what you will be filled with.
And you will reach a point where all you will want is for the suffering to end .. and it almost may seem like it’s ending too. And then there will be that one memory.. that little giggle or that goofy smile that will bring it all back. That will resurface all the dirty laundry that you had stowed away. And the rebuilding begins.. yet again.
But this is where it gets better. This is where I tell you the only three words you will ever need. Honey, This. Will Pass. You will be in the middle of an assignment or you could be making your favourite meal or just having a laugh with your friends and you will realize that today is the first day that you have spent without thinking about him and what his day has been like or what he had for lunch today. You will realize that slowly.. he is slipping away from you. This is scary and horrifying because as much as you want him out of your system, you also want him there. Residing in that little space of your heart that he has made. And remember, this is the moment of truth. This is the beginning of everything henceforth. So, in this moment, you lock yourself in a room and let it all out. You can cry or yell or sob and hiccup with your nose running. But you have to get this out of your system. But make sure when you are done that you really are, once and for all done.
You will then slowly start feeling the void in your heart starting to feel less like a void and more like familiarity. More like reminders of yesterday.. reminders of what choices you made to get to where you want to be. Reminders of yesterday and tomorrow. And all you have to do is smile through today.
This Will Pass. I repeat. This Will Pass. You Will Be Okay. You will resurface a little broken, a little more fragile than you were before and you will look in the mirror and see the changes.. you will the bags under your eyes and the looseness in your limbs and it will all feel like the end. But it isn’t. Trust me. It IS NOT THE END. You will see yourself with a new light. You will see that these are scars. These are the little stops you take on a road trip before you arrive to your destination. These are all the memories you make on your way.
Honey, You will be okay. I promise. I promise this will pass. I promise that will be what you chant to yourself until it finally does and when it does happen.. Know that in your heart of hearts you knew this would pass too.. Just not yet. Just not Now.